....crossroad. I'd like to say that I've got my recovery going well and my addiction under control. The reality is completely different. The last few days I have been very anxious and nervous. As I wrote earlier, I have changed my formal disclosure and been more honest and open in it. On the one hand making those changes feels good. The other side of the coin is that I can help but think about what will happen when I share the disclosure with all of the new information in it. I really cannot comprehend how my wife will say "Thanks for sharing. Everything is good and we can start being a happily married couple again." I just do not see that outcome happening.
Instead I see a lot of emotional pain to deal with. A lot of words being parsed through. Questions and more questions being asked. Her not wanting me around the house, giving her space to sort through things for herself. Intellectually I can understand that. I can even accept it. Emotionally is a completely different story. I know through my own past that I have not been too happy living on my own. I've never really been too excited being alone and dealing with the quietness that night can bring. Yet in my addiction, I wanted to be alone. I didn't want noise of any sort in my life. I drove people away.
Now I see my life going back to that place. And I'm scared out of my mind to think I can't handle it and will revert to my acting out ways. I can honestly say that because the last two days I have been on the edge emotionally. I actually was surfing the net yesterday and trying to track down a prostitute to give me a sexual massage. Fortunately I could not get one set up. But it frightens me to think that I haven't grown past looking for prostitutes to relief my stress and anxiety. If there was any other consolation from yesterday's search, I found that I really didn't get the emotional rush building in my chest that I got when I was in the depths of my addiction. But I know that feeling is not too far away. This fucking addiction will give you some space and then, BAM, it pulls you right back in.
I still have an enormous amount of shame, anger, resentment and self-esteem issues to work through. I've also got to get myself some sort of job to eat up some time. And I'd like for my relationship with my wife to come to some sort of resolution. That's a lot to still happen. But I know I am a strong person and can get better.
It's time for me to put some exercise clothes on and get outside and exercise. I've got to get some good blood flowing through me.
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