Change is hard...

...but I've got to figure out how to get through these difficult times. Last week I found myself searching for a prostitute online. Even tried calling a few but made no connection, except to one that could not make time for me that day. Somehow my Higher Power didn't allow my attempt to happen. Nonetheless, I feel bad that I was even searching.

Yesterday I was a complete jerk to my wife as I was irritated to no end. I allowed anything and everything she did to annoy me. She sat at the dining room table to read the paper and I was annoyed. She was playing with our dog and I was annoyed. She asked if I cared if she took a shower. I was annoyed. This internalization of feelings and the inability to express them in a positive way is extremely irritating to me. It absolutely frustrates the hell out of me.

Later in the day she asked what was going on with me and I lied saying "nothing". She didn't press any further but she knew I was lying. I felt quite a bit better after eating lunch. Maybe some of what I was feeling was from being hungry but I can't blame it all on that.

So again I'm left to dig deeper and see what's going on. I keep coming back to my formal disclosure to be made to my wife. I spent some time last week working on it and including some more information. Probably right after that was when my irritation starting growing. I'm feeling that if I read this disclosure to her that we will be ending our relationship. I cannot fathom how anyone could be violated by their spouse in such a way and want to continue their relationship. The only person I can come up with is one that is in complete denial.

Fuck. I'm lost for words and thoughts right now. My head is spinning with many thoughts, none of which are completed. Will she stay or will she go? Should I leave or stay? Why is that I always have to see everything as an either/or proposition? I need a fucking job to get my mind away from my recovery for some time everyday. If I stay with my wife what boundaries will she want to impose? What boundaries will I want to impose? I've got to have some sex if I'm staying married. Otherwise we're just close friends living together. I'm sick and tired of feeling that she's ignoring my addiction by saying it's my issue to work on. I've got to get this Formal Disclosure done so there can be some movement in our relationship. I feel very stuck with where it's at. I feel very incapable of making any decision until the disclosure is over. Why is that? Why can't I take some control of my life again? I'm sick and tired of feeling stuck. I want to see progress in my life. Guess I need to sit down and write about what progress would mean to me.