I was spinning out of control....

....mentally after reading the disclosure letter to my wife. It was not a pleasant experience made even more unpleasant to me by her therapist.

In reading the disclosure letter to my wife, I found a few times where I just felt like getting up and leaving. Just quit reading the letter and leave. It hurt to read the letter and at the same time it hurt to see her being hurt by me reading the letter to her. I could see the hurt throughout her body. I had violated her dearly and it showed. I can't take it back. I wish I could take the past back and rewrite it so it didn't contain so much hurt.

I was a little taken away by her initial response that I was still lying to her. I had no idea what she was talking about. She then said that I had lied to her in my initial disclosure back in August about how long my sexual acting out had been going on. I did lie to her then. Yesterday I got to see the hurt that lie caused. Perhaps there are more ramifications to that lie as she felt very betrayed.

While I was reading the letter to her she was checking off her list of questions that she had. I answered most of them as she only had three when I was done. Had I had sex with men? No. Had I had sex with children? No. Had I had sex with anyone she knew other than the one instance I had in my disclosure? I told her yes I did have sex with other people she knew but that it was before we had even begun dating. Once we had started dating there was only the one instance. Her therapist wasn't happy with that answer from me. She believes that myself and the other women involved were complicent in keeping this a secret from my wife. I understand that on one level yet have trouble in believing that not talking about my sexual past with my wife prior to our marriage was some big issue.

I then said that this issue of communication of our pasts before we got married was something that happened. We both participated in it. We both understood that we weren't sharing our pasts. We both thought the past was the past and we wanted to build something in the future. This morning as I type this I can see that the past clearly has something to do with the future, whether it want it to or not.

Fuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk!!!!! I honestly can say I didn't feel as good as I thought I would after having done the disclosure but today with a little bit sleep and talking to some other people last night I can see that it was a good experience even though it was painful. I've now got to start sharing the pain. Not just from that disclosure from my experiences every day.