...and a half before the disclosure is to be read. I just finished reading it again. Feel very nervous and anxious. I've packed my bags for the weekend away. Just put my golf clubs in the truck of the car. Might head out to hit some balls this weekend. Did some laundry when I got back from exercising. Just got a bunch of nervous energy.
But I wanted to take a moment and paste a copy of the Full Disclosure here:
Martha,
I made a commitment to you when I proposed to you. That commitment was that I would be faithful to you in our marriage. I made the same commitment to you again when I said our wedding vows. Even in the letter from 1997 before we got married, that you recently found, this commitment was expressed. I know there were numerous cards that I gave to you expressing my love and devotion to our marriage. There was no reason for you to doubt my sincerity in any of those expressions of commitment. I never said, wrote or expressed that these vows included me having any kind of sexual relationship with another woman. Yet I violated that commitment and trust in our relationship.
There were relationships before ours in which I treated women as sex objects, only there for my benefit. Once the sexual attraction was gone and the woman wanted to get emotionally involved, I would start to check out emotionally from the relationship. I was definitely starting to not care about others, their feelings or their needs, desires or questions.
I loved you when we got married. Yet I never found it difficult to tell you lies of omission or even outright lies if I thought it would put me in a better light. I did this even though you would attempt to call me out on it. But I refused to give in to your desire for the truth and kept on lying. An example of this is my numerous denials over whether I had sex with Debbie Long. Yes I did. Only once but I continued to lie to you regarding this since I wanted you to think that I wouldn’t have sex with just anyone. The reality is that I would if the opportunity arose. But I had to be whatever you wanted me to be.
I’m really not sure where to start but I found myself hurting so much emotionally that I had to find something to fix the hurt. In my mixed up, crazy mind, I didn’t want to figure out what issues I had, I just wanted to fix them. I don’t like drugs so I reached for something else, sexually acting out. I’ve told you before that I acted out sexually with prostitutes and visited massage parlors and strip clubs. Let me be clear, saying that my sexual acting with a prostitute or a visit to a massage parlor, included me having sexual intercourse, oral sex or being masterbated by a prostitute. Other sexual acting out that is included in my Inner Circle is looking at pornography, whether it be online or in print, surfing online for prostitutes but not contacting one, visiting strip clubs or watching pornographic movies.
I have never paid for any type of sex before we were married but let me clear up the date of when I first paid for any sex, of any kind with a prostitute, during our marriage. Previously I told you it was about 5 years ago. I lied. The reality is that the first time I paid for any kind of sexual service from a prostitute was on Super Bowl Sunday in January of 2003. In the weeks prior to that I had spent time looking at ads in the back pages of the Sacramento News and Review. Then when the Bucs made the Super Bowl I felt my anxiety level just go through the roof. Super Bowl morning you headed off to Target to do some shopping and do some other errands, so I picked up the phone and tracked down a prostitute to give me a sexual massage.
After acting out the first time, I found that there was an emotional release for me. It felt good. From there I was searching for the next emotional release, believing that would be the cure-all answer to whatever issues I was trying to fix. It wasn’t.
As time went on I’d be anticipating you leaving the house to go to work, thus giving me the freedom to sit in front of my computer and start surfing for porn or prostitutes. Rarely was this a quick process, as I would be so engrossed in this activity that I’d lose track of any sense of time, finding myself hours later still at the same spot. Instead of working and trying to build my business I stayed online, searching for “I don’t know what”. When I was finally done surfing the net I then have to take another 20/30 minutes to clean up any trace of these sites from the computer. Every day I’d make a commitment to myself not to act out and too many times I could not keep that commitment to myself. I’d wake up and want to do some work and drum up more business yet I was powerless over this addictive pull of the internet and finding another prostitute to sexually act out with.
Another example of my addictive behaviors is when I surfed pornography websites online after you had gone to bed. I thought I could just spend a few minutes but spent hours doing this. I never figured out why I couldn’t just walk away from it. Five or six times I chatted with someone online during this time trying to arrange a future sexual hookup. While I didn’t leave the house and go track down a prostitute at night, this activity would leave me tired, depressed and emotionally vacant. These experiences at night always finished with me masterbating myself while you were asleep. I never really put together my reactions to my actions and would find myself surfing mindlessly again another night, looking at more porn. The crazy addictive cycle had begun it’s sickening spiral in my life.
When I think about the hours involved in surfing pornographic websites at night as well as surfing online during the day for sexual hookups, I easily spent over 2,000 hours or one complete year worth of work time chasing my high.
By this time my addiction had taken control of me. I’d feel anxious, full of shame and self-hatred. These feelings lead me to start looking online for prostitutes. I’d meet the prostitute at a hotel room, massage parlor or their own place and have the sexual encounter. I’d get a quick high out of that visit only to find myself feeling more shame, more anger, more self hatred, then start all over again. This addictive cycle would continue to repeat itself with my mind having no control over the actual process of chasing down the sexual acting out experience or the actual sexual act itself. I might be able to take a few days off here and there. Maybe a week or more but would be in withdrawal during that time, during which you would feel the brunt of my emotional needs being expressed at you through me being angry, over-reactive, narcisstic and completely thoughtless about you.
I know that you were suspicious of my activities at different times. I remember once slamming my computer shut when you wanted to see what was on the screen. I wouldn’t let you open my computer. You were right in your belief that there were pornographic websites opened on the laptop. Twice my laptops had to be replaced because of viruses caused while surfing pornographic websites. I lied to you about that too.
If you had to make a trip for work, I looked at this as an opportunity to have some free time to act out sexually. When you traveled to Baltimore for work, I ended up sexually acting out with a prostitute. If I had to leave town for a trip I looked at the trip as an opportunity to sexually act out in some new place. When I made a trip to Dallas for Dad’s lawsuit, I sexually acted out. If I made trips up to Chico, I would find the time to sexually act out. It was so much easier to act out when you were not around. As my Mom was getting closer to her death, I couldn’t handle the emotions inside of me. The only way I could respond was by finding a way to sexually act out.
I cannot understand why but somewhere around 20 times while you were at work I had prostitutes over to our house. I never thought about any potential danger this might cause. I barely gave it a thought and did it anyways. Actually I went even further and had sexual intercourse with 4 prostitutes in our bed. The first time was when you made your trip to Baltimore while you were working for Vertis. The last time was over a year ago.
As for how many different times I had a sexual experience with a prostitute, I cannot give an exact number. I’ve been able to recall 58 times during the time we’ve lived in Portland in which I have had sexual intercourse, received oral sex or been sexually massaged by a prostitute. I’d estimate the number of times I had the same type of sexual experiences with prostitutes in Sacramento is easily twice as much and probably closer to three times as much. In total I have had somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 sexual experiences with prostitutes.
Another reality of my addiction is that I had unprotected sex with prostitutes. This included sexual intercourse and oral sex. Again, any thoughts about any potential dangers or problems that might cause were quickly dismissed as I only thought about my immediate needs and wants. The last time was in June of last year.
You once asked me if losing my job at El Gaucho had anything to do with my sexual addiction and I said no. The reality is that in a big way it did as my sexual acting out was controlling my life and I could not keep my emotions in check at work either. This of course led to conflicts with my boss. The easiest way for me to deal with that was to run if given the opportunity. I was told to change or leave. I chose to leave. That decision has left me unemployed for the past year as well as losing a year’s worth of income.
Financially I can’t give you an exact figure of what I spent on sexually acting out. Keeping track of what I spent would include me being responsible or accountable for my actions. That just doesn’t happen in the world of my addiction. I’d estimate that I spent at least $50,000. That would include sex with prostitutes, visits to massage parlors, strip clubs, various online sexual hookup services, broken computers, hotel room rentals, loss of interest on money moved out of saving accounts, and loss of income due to loss of potential real estate deals. The money I spent came out of the separate account of money I had set up with my Dad’s lawsuit money.
I’d like to also repeat my dates of sobriety for my Inner Circle. The last time I had any kind of sexual intercourse or oral sex with a prostitute was in June of last year. The last time I had a prostitute masterbate me would have been on Dec. 8th of last year. The last time I look at any pornography or any online ads for prostitute without contacting a prostitute would be March 1st. I can’t remember the last time I was in a strip club. Must be over two years ago. As far as watching pornographic movies, it’s been well over a year since I have. Maybe close to two years.
In closing I cannot say with 100% confidence that I will never sexually act out again. I can only say that today I feel confident I will not act out today. I only have the ability to fight today. I’ll fight tomorrow when it comes.
Kevin
I'll check in later and post what I'm feeling after the actual meeting.
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