I had a therapy appointment....

....yesterday inwhich we discuss my Formal Disclosure letter that I will be reading to my wife on Friday, the 18th. My therapist had forwarded my disclosure on to my wife's therapist for her thoughts and suggestions. I was a little shocked and taken back by how her therapist wanted me to take away some paragraphs that softened up the disclosure a little. She also wanted me to clarify what I had done with these different women. For example, I might have written that "I had sex with a woman". That should be changed to "I had sexual intercourse with a prostitute". I also had to go through my disclosure and take possession of the acts I had commited. I'd had to change "I would do this" to "I did this".

My therapist and I spent a good portion of our session going through my latest version and changing some verbage and addressing sentences that might be vague. It's kinda crazy but if I detached myself a little from the process it really was not that difficult for me to do. I know, even before this discussion with my therapist, that I do not like to take possession of things in my life. I somehow find that if I don't take possession of them then I can't be responsible or accountable for them. Writing that sentence makes me see and feel what is the end result of that behavior of mine.

Mountains are not built overnight. They take years and years to grow. Just like today's actions are built upon a foundation of yesterday's actions and the days before that.

So I spent part of yesterday working a little on changing the disclosure letter. After I finish this post I will be going back to it and working on it some more. I've got another appointment with my therapist tomorrow at 10am. Then she'll forward on the disclosure to my wife's therapist again. I'll meet with my therapist again next Wednesday and there might be another change or two to the disclosure letter.

I've been feeling very anxious over this whole process as the disclosure date is drawing nearer. I've asked myself a few times if this is something I really want to do. I don't feel great about it but the reality is that this is something I did that violated marriage with my wife. I'm not happy to say that but it is the truth. If the marriage is to go, my wife has the right to know what I've done. She can then make up her own mind about what she wants to do. For me, I sense that this disclosure will give me a huge cleansing of my soul. I've been holding this secret life inside for so long that it can only be good for me to release it.