...after a few days at a hotel down in Wilsonville. My wife sent me a text message yesterday saying that we were having spaghetti for dinner. She didn't directly invite me over with the text so I called her and asked if that is what she meant. She said yes. We talked for a few minutes and then asked what time she wanted me to come over for dinner? She said to just get my stuff and come home. I ended up getting home a little after four in the afternoon.
We talked for a little bit. Nothing that was real difficult to talk about. But I brought up the issue of our bed in the master bedroom. She had said she did not feel comfortable at all sleeping in the bed and had spent the last few nights sleeping in the other bed. She said she would like to burn the bed. So I asked if she would like to go get another bed. Initially she said she was tired and really didn't feel like going bed shopping. So I expressed to her that the bed issue needed to be resolved so she could sleep in our bedroom. I asked if there was a problem with sleeping in the room itself. She thought there might be a little issue with that too. I asked if there was anything we could do about that. Paint the room? Re-decorate? Or even sale the house and move somewhere else in Portland? She wasn 't sure but definitely was tired of moving and did not want to move. After some thought she said let's go order a bed. So we headed down to Sleep Country and ordered another bed. Should be delivered tomorrow sometime.
She made dinner after we got home from bed shopping. During the course of making dinner she said she wanted to tell me something hurtful. She then said that I caused to spend $2,800 on our new bed because I had slept with prostitutes in our old bed. She said she wasn't happy with that at all and that it cannot happen again. She then started to cry. All I could do was hold her and let her cry. I said I was sorry and wished none of this had happened.
During the course of the rest of the night we talked a little about different things. But mostly we just each tried to relax. It had been a long, emotional weekend for each of us and we were tired. She headed off to bed around 9 and I fell asleep on the couch until about midnight when I got up and headed down to the bedroom to sleep. I took our dog with me but he quickly got up from bed and headed into the other bedroom to be with his mother. I felt good about that.
Waking up this morning I felt a little tired. Some anxiety and a little stress. I now feel like I have some sort of leash around me. It doesn't necessarily feel bad but different. Normally I rebel quickly against any kind of emotional leash but I'm not so sure that is what I want to do this time.
I've now got to start cleaning out my real estate stuff as I will not be practicing real estate any more. As much as I supposely love it, I could not deal with the stress in a healthy way and found much too many ways to waste time on unproductive activities besides sexually acting out. Again, in a strange way it feels good to make that decision.
Next will be taking care of working on my resume and starting to get my job search going again. I've got to find some work. Not sure where that will lead but I'm trying to accept that I'm not in control of the outcome. Of course I've got to continue on my recovery program. I'm tired of fighting against myself and have to come to grips with who and what I am.
This morning I've placed an ad online to see if I can get rid of it. If I don't get a response shortly I will call up some place and just donate it.
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