... as I felt very down. I ended up going to a noon meeting and went into the back room and had a longer share there. It was very calming for me. Each of the other people in the room reflected on similar times in their lifes that they had felt very, very low. Was good to hear their thoughts and made me realize that even though I may not see the light at the end of tunnel, there is some light there.
Martha had asked me earlier if I had an appointment with my therapist, so I made a point of calling my therapist and squeezing in some time with her. That too was very good for me. We spent time reflecting on what sent me into this tailspin. Between cutting caffiene out of my diet and Thursday night's session with Martha, I felt very down. I believe the lack of caffiene gave my body a jolt in which it felt no gigantic rush of blood rushing through my veins, thus forcing my slowed down self to feel something other than a caffiene rush. Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!! My therapist thought that some caffiene daily might not be a bad thing. Just don't overdo it. I kinda like the thought.
As for the Thursday night group therapy session, I left feeling very overwhelmed. The subject matter was Healthy Sexuality. It's pretty much everything that has been missing out of my life. It's 180 degrees opposite of what I've done for atleast the better part of the last eight years. Somehow I am suppose to start caring about another person if I wish to have sex with that person. I am not suppose to just be concerned about my own satisfaction while being sexual. When you've paid for sex for the past eight years, you get use to telling girl to just suck your cock. Or get naked. Or whatever I'm thinking at the moment. There's little concern for her thoughts or needs. Her need is to get money from me. My need is get off. To now think about some sort of healthy sexual relationship is really, really difficult.
I can intellectually understand what it is about, yet I am overwhelmed by how I get there from where I'm at right now. If I had someone new in my life that would cause me to start from square one it seems it would be easier. This subject matter is so difficult for me to think about that it fills me with anxiety to just sit here and type out these thoughts. Fuck!
My therapist suggested yesterday that I spend some time writing about my sexual relationship with Dianne. I would agree that it was a healthy sexual relationship and a healthy relationship overall. So I know that I have some personal experience with a healthy relationship. Later today I will spend some time doing this.
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