...is being posted below. As I stated in my last post, my sponser had me answer a few questions about my Higher Power, God, religion and spirituality. What follows below is a simple copy and paste of those questions and answers.
Describe your childhood relationship with your Mother.
My mother was divorced when I was two years old. I had three brothers and no sisters. She was left to raise us kids without any help, financial or otherwise, from my father. My grandfather and grandmother helped very minimally financial, so my mom was left to her own devices to raise us. We were very poor and I didn’t like it. Many of our disagreements as kids would go back to being unable to afford something that we wanted. Sometimes our mom would say to call our dad and see if he had money to send us so we could get what we wanted.
I was the third of the four brothers. We were very poor and moved quite frequently. I acted out as a young boy as it seemed to be the only way I could get any recognition from my mom. She was repeated called by my school to come down and pick me up as I had started a fight or done something to cause trouble. I would get a tongue lashing from my mom but she would return to work after dropping me off at home and head back to work. She couldn’t ground me as she was not around to enforce it. So there really were very little consequences for my actions.
My oldest brother was active in sports and was the golden child of the family growing up. He really could do no wrong and any wrong he did was quickly rationalized away as just growing up and normal. He participated in sports. Our family made it an obligation to attend seemingly all of his sporting events. On the other hand, while the family attended my little league baseball games, attendance at future sporting events I participated in while growing up was very minimal. In high school I participated in Cross Country and Track for three years and was very good. Our teams were even better. But I can recall only one time that my mom made it to one of my meets during those three years. I felt very hurt by her not being able to make. Yes, there were definitely times that her work schedule interfered with making it, but there were still plenty of times she could have shown up at a big meet. Making sure she got her hair done on Saturday would take precedence over coming to one of my Cross Country meets. I felt that she could have changed the time of her hair appointment, but she never did. To this day I am still filled with resentment towards her for that.
She had a high school education and worked menial jobs. She did seem to be attempting to better herself and at point went to college, attempting to get a degree. But with work and four kids, it was too difficult for her. I really admired her when she attempted to go to college. We were very poor and she was attempting to better herself and the existence of all of us. Yes, it was difficult as she would be absence from my life, yet I felt good about that absence. When she ended up quitting school, I was hurt. I didn’t want to see that failure. I felt as though one more big obstacle was being pushed in front of me. I can remember having talks with her about dropping out and she would just say that she couldn’t afford it and didn’t have the time. Finally, she would just say she didn’t want to talk about it any more. I felt myself being shut out of her life. I felt myself not being allowed to express my thoughts and emotions with her. I found myself feeling resentment towards her making this decision to drop out.
Describe your childhood relationship with your Father.My first recollection of seeing my Dad was when I was around 8 or 10 and we visited Southern California. We ended up seeing him for just a brief time (less than a day) while we were there. I didn’t really see again until a few years later when my Grandfather died. Again, we only saw him for a brief time. Finally when I was 16 I spent a summer with him. My younger brother was also there. That was good to spend some length of time with him. He was poor and just getting by. He lived in a Studio apartment. We slept on the floor while we were there. We ended up going to a few AA meetings with him. I thought that was neat that he brought us along to the meetings.
Next time I saw him was at my High School graduation. He didn’t make to my two older brother’s graduations, so this caused some dissention in the family. My brothers were not happy about him being there for me but not for them. My Dad explained it as he couldn’t make it to their graduations even though he wanted to.
My father never supplied us with any financial support which caused some problems in the house. It definitely made my Mom angry and frustrated. She tried not to vent those feelings to us though the feelings definitely came out at different times.
I would talk to my Dad on the phone while growing up. Seems like it was about once every two or three months. Pretty much the conversations would be spent briefly talking about school and just catching up on whatever was happening in our lives.
What were my childhood beliefs regarding religion? What experience or training have I had and how have my beliefs changed as I grew older. What are my beliefs about religion now?As a young child we were raised Catholic. We would go to catechism after school. While this should have deepened out beliefs it ended up making me question it. My brothers and me were chased home afterwards by some bullies. We were constantly getting beat up. Growing up poor I recall my mom going to the local catholic church for help but no help was really offered.
Today I have mixed feelings about religion. I see much good about religion yet have not followed any for the better part of the last 40 years. Religions care for people and mostly carry a positive message. I feel that most religions are good. Yet many, many wars have been fought over religion. I believe in separation of church and state. But I’ve really got no strong attachment to any religion and do struggle with the thought of completely turning myself to a religion and all of it’s traditions, pomp and circumstance.
What does “spirituality” mean to me?Feeling peace, calmness, acceptance and serenity surrounding me in my life. I would have an ability to look at situations in a sane, relaxed manner, knowing that there is a higher power and spirituality in my life. That would give me the ability to see the good in all situations or be able to react in a positive way to stressful, difficult situations. I believe there is a spirituality in every thing if we are able to look deep enough.
What do I believe today about God?I believe in a higher power. I don’t believe that it’s necessarily related to any one religion but that everyone can have a higher power, even if they have a different religion. I don’t believe that God looks out for any one or everyone. Instead I believe there is a Higher force in the universe that exists for anyone that wants to do good or take right action. This Higher Power gives that individual a more positive way to respond to a situation, regardless how negative. Those that are more in touch with their Higher Power will respond in a more positive way as opposed to those not in touch with their Higher Power.
Those individuals that are evil are not necessarily a product of some sort of evil Being but an individual that has gone through life making bad choices, seeking gratification through continuous bad behavior. And at the same time being out of touch with their Higher Power.
Describe my ideal Higher PowerI think I would be able to see my Higher Power in every situation, giving me strength to make good decisions. A good decision does not mean that it always is to my best benefit. My Higher Power would surround me with serenity, peace and tranquility throughout my day, allowing me to progress through my day without insanity or at the very least, the ability to see the insanity and be able to work through it or around it. My Higher Power would like me to give thanks to ‘him’ for being there on a daily basis. Would also like me to say daily prayers to ‘him’.
Describe powers greater than my own that I can look to my Higher Power to provide.I look at nature and see a Higher Power at work. There is so much beauty throughout the world. I would like the willingness to be open to trying new things; the strength to avoid looking at triggering objects; and the courage to just live in today. I would also like the strength to quit procrastinating; the strength to finish things that I start; the strength to be intimate with others; the strength and willingness to build meaningful friendships with others; the strength to spend my time and energy on healthy activities; the strength to exercise daily.
Describe a sane life.Today my sane life would include waking up in the morning and doing my daily serenity readings. I would like to eat 3 healthy meals a day. I would like to exercise for at least one hour a day. I would like to have a challenging, rewarding career with a normal start and end time each day that gives me some financial freedom. I would like to be able to do journaling at least 3 or 4 times a week, exploring my feelings, thoughts and emotions. I would like to go to therapy once or twice a month. I would like to go to one or two recovery meetings a week. I would like to be able to support others in their recovery. I would like to have a close relationship with another 3 to 5 people outside of my marriage and family. I would like to be able to have a day off and not have my mind constantly going. I would like to go to a church at least twice a month.
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