...as I spent some time yesterday after my meeting talking with my sponser. We covered some questions about my beliefs in God, religion and spirituality. He had given me a few questions to answer. So I read the answers and we talked about my responses a little. I've never really had any issues with religion or spirituality. Putting either into practice in my life is a completely different issue.
As I typed that last sentence I felt anxiety rising in my body. In asking myself where that is coming from I realize that it's coming from me being scared. Scared of change. Scared of a different life and outlook on life. Scared that everything I've done in the past is coming into question. Scared that 50 years of my life has been lived the wrong way. Scared that I will no longer be in control, of my life or anything else, even though in reality I never was.
As I shared with my sponser yesterday, I am finding that my life's foundation of beliefs is being rocked to it's core by this twelve step program and all the different people I meet in it's fellowships. I've found that I have been so judgmental of everyone that I have run across. I've spent so much time looking for their faults and kinks in their armor, that I haven't allow myself to see the good in them. I haven't allow myself to be open to all of the love and positive energy in the universe. I haven't allow myself to just be in the moment. I've always had to be somewhere else.
It's absolutely crazy to see that I would ask someone their name and forget 10 seconds later because I was not interested in them and my mind had moved on to it's next thought. Absolutely fucking crazy. This morning that point was driven home when I heard John Mellencamp's "Lonely 'Ol Night" on the radio. The last verse is "She calls him Baby. She calls everyone Baby. It's a Lonely 'ol Night, but ain't they all." Calling someone by another name, even endearing ones, is a way of disassociating myself from that person and staying in my head and out of the moment. Especially when I can't even remember their name.
This rocking of my foundation has got me questioning so many things. I'm troubled by how I can be sitting in a room with a convicted felon and listening to what he has to say. And then finding with his share that he's so much more in touch with his feelings and thoughts than I am. I somehow believe that since he's a convicted felon, he's bad and really got nothing to share that would be of value. I'm sitting in these meetings and find myself being judgmental of others and their actions or their shares. Slowly I find myself being more accepting of them. But I grew up believing that if you went to jail or did certain things, you were a bad person. End of story. Close that chapter and let me find a good person. Not I'm finding out that there are quite a few good people that have done some wrong in their lifes and are turning their life around.
I guess when I can finally accept what I did, and forgive myself, I will finally be able to rid myself of this judgmental attitude. Because in reality I am probably the most judgmental of myself. My mind says if I can be judgmental of myself I can be judgmental of others. So I've got more, lots more work to do on myself. Yet I'm very excited by it. I know that I want to change. I know that the past things I did, didn't work out so well.
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