...that fills me with anxiety. I've spent way too much time on the unhealthy side of my sexuality for the better part of the past decade or two. Now I've got to deal with the consequences of it. So I've been asked by my therapist to write about my sexual relationship with my first girlfriend, Dianne.
I met Dianne when I was a freshman in college. She was going steady with her high school boyfriend. I didn't have a girlfriend, nor had I ever had one. We had classes together all year and became good friends. I was attracted to her from day one as I remember telling a friend she was going to be my girlfriend one day, even though it was the first day of college.
During summer between my first and second years of college I headed off to Kings Canyon National Park for a summer job. It was there that I lost my virginity when I had sex with a co-worker. I had tried to have sex previously with another co-worker but that was a failure as I had no idea of what to do. I was smart enough to tell the next girl that I had no idea of what to do. We proceeded to have sex for the last few weeks that I worked at that job. Then it was back to school.
When I got back to college I found out that Dianne was having difficulties in her relationship with her boyfriend. I know what I wanted to happen and started to give a shoulder for Dianne to lean on. I never made a pass at her. Occasionally flirted when friends were around but very innocently. Finally she ended her relationship and we started to do things with some other people. I don't really recall going on any dates alone with her but our relationship was building. We would talk on the phone quite a bit and at school we still had classes together. I absolutely felt great getting to know her. I met her family and that went well. Finally one night I ran from my house to her neighbor's house, which was roughly 10 miles away. She was house sitting and I had offered to come by and see her that night. I told her I would run out there if she would give me a ride home.
We ended up doing some heaving petting that night. Though we did not have sex I knew it was going to happen soon. I don't remember the first time we actually had sex but soon enough it happened and we were in a relationship. I was elated. She was, and still is, a beautiful woman. She was smart, energetic and an absolute joy to be around. She exuded sex appeal to me. The curves of her body were exciting to me. Her smile was just as exciting. I loved getting her flowers for special occasions. I loved writing her notes. I just loved being around her. I don't recall us ever having any big blowup arguments.
As I think about how our sexual relationship worked, I can only think that we were young and had sex often. We freely explored each other's body and tried different positions and acts. I don't really recall any discussions about having an orgasm yet in my mind I knew that was the end result I wanted. Perhaps she faked orgasms for me. I really don't know. I know I would occasionally ask if she had an orgasm but usually asked something like "did it feel good to you?".
I loved laying next to a naked sweating body that had just had sex with me. I found it very arousing. This feeling would usually turn into some more sex. Being young, there were no problems getting erect again.
Being in school and both of us wanting to do well, we would spend quite a bit of time studying together. I might go over to her house to study, have dinner with her family, and study some more. Usually the advances would come from me by starting to rub her shoulders and down to her breasts while she was still studying. She'd tell me stop until she finished another chapter or wherever she was at with her studying. I would then just rub her shoulders and wait for her to get done with her homework.
I would stay many nights at her house in her bedroom. She had a separate bedroom off of the main section of the house with it's own separate entrance. Her mom knew I was staying and never confronted me about it in any way. I think she was happy her daughter was in a good relationship and understood that sex was going to happen. It also allowed me to have sex with Dianne whenever I was aroused. We could have sex at night and fall asleep. Then I would wake up in the morning, be excited, and have sex again. This morning sex was definitely more for my satisfaction and included far less foreplay or need for me to satisfy any need she might have.
When we headed off to the U of O, we lived together in a one bedroom apartment, just across the street from the campus. I remember that after our first year there we started to have more stress in our relationship. Both of us were wanting to graduate. Dianne was more serious about her school work at this time than I was. So we didn't seem to have sex as much as we had earlier in our relationship. It started to become more of a routine relagated to weekend nights.
I also noticed that some neighbors would flirt with her. I found this very irritating yet never confronted her about it. I don't believe that she had any sexual relationships with any of our neighbors but I'm sure some of the guys would have been open to it. Dianne was a very friendly girl and loved people. By the time we reached our final quarter our relationship was pretty much over. Yes we still slept together and had sex occasionally but it felt very much like it was coming to an end.
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