Just for today....

....I will focus on taking care of myself.

I'd like to say that everyday I do that. But that would not be true. I have spent so much time and energy focusing on crap that I haven't taken care of myself. In recovery I am finding that I'm spending more and more time on myself and that is good. But there's a lot of work to do. I'm hoping to wrap up my 2nd step this week and be able to move on to my 3rd step. Hoping that doesn't take too long to figure out so I can move on to my 4th step. There's gonna be pain, shame, hurt, anger and many other emotions while working on this step. But there's also going to be growth. By recognizing my character flaws I will then be able to address them and make amends for my past use of them in further steps. I also believe that just the cleansing of my soul of these faults will be beneficial to me and my personal growth and journey through life.

Yesterday I had my therapy session. Was pretty good. We spent a bit of time talking about accountability. My therapist asked me who I was accountable to for my actions. Other than myself I really couldn't think of anyone that has held me accountable. I acted out repeatly over a period of years and my wife really hasn't expressed any anger towards me for that. I was expelled from school as a kid and my mom never really held me accountable for those actions either. If someone at work tried to hold me accountable for my actions I would usually leave the job after working myself up into an emotional state of disbelief, anger and injustice in someone questioning my actions.

Then at my 12 step meeting, my sponser suggested that I think about being the replacement for the leader of the Thursday meeting. Of course I objected, stating that one year of service in this capacity was an awfully big obligation. I also like to go to the Beaverton meeting on Thursday as I'm developing some relationships there. Last night over dinner I talked to my wife about it. She thought it would be good but understood my concerns. We talked about the accountability issue and how there are pros and cons to that. In the end the reality that me agreeing to lead a meeting for one year would be very beneficial to my recovery. Yes there would be the obligation of time and energy to prepare for the meeting but that would be outweighed by the benefits to me personally.

So I decided that I didn't want to lead the Thursday and will call my sponser and let him know that. But I will also tell him that I will volunteer for the next opportunity to lead one of the meetings.

Now I've got to start holding myself accountable to my recovery plan. I need to be making daily journal entries and daily work on my step work. At the very least I've got to do this stuff atleast 5 times a week. I've got to share the mundane activities in my life with others. More importantly I've got to share the bigger thoughts and activities in my life. Perhaps this sharing would get me past some of the roadblocks I've put in front of myself. No, there is no perhaps, this sharing would and will help me through these roadblocks. If I constantly keep them inside then I will continue to do the same as the past and continue to get the same results.