...I'm full of feelings that I can't express and up against a big roadblock in attempting to sort them out. I'm scared of what's ahead in my life. I feel that there is really nothing left in my life that is exciting or worth living for. I'm extremely sad that I've got nothing to look back on in my life with much appreciation. I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I'm lost at how I am supposed to be able to share with a bunch of strangers in my 12 step meetings yet can't even share what I did during the day with my wife. I'm feeling an enormous amount of anxiety over my marriage with Martha and not knowing how it will end up. I feel very angry that I have hurt her so much. Very simply I feel like a complete failure.
God, when I'm hurting like this I just do not want to interact with anyone. I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I've been very tired lately and sleeping quite a bit. I don't want to confront any of my feelings or thoughts. They just make me hurt inside. I don't know how to deal with these feelings of hurt. I'm tired of feeling this way. I don't have the energy to go outside and exercise. I'm tired of putting on appearances for anyone. I just want to be me, warts and all, and be accepted. I'm unemployed and have no job prospects on the horizon. Haven't done much in the way of a job search since I don't feel worthy of even working.
Where do I go from here? I know I've got to open myself up to others. Most important on that list is my wife. I've got to let her know what I'm feeling and thinking. I will start by reading her those two paragraphs that I just wrote. I will also share these feelings at my meeting today. I'm just very tired of putting on appearances and trying to make myself look good. I will also make a concerted effort to journalling on a far more consistent basis as well as getting outside and exercising.
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