Was feeling a little....

...depressed earlier today. I had to take Mookie to the vet as he hurt his leg last night. Did that at 9am and then headed out for a walk after we got back from there. I was starting to feel myself getting a little depressed during the walk. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the state of my life. I'm not working. I've got some huge addiction issues I'm trying to work through. I've really got no friends. I don't feel anything positive in my life right now. Every action I do, I look through my addiction colored glasses and start to ponder if it was good for me, not good for me, or am I just whacked for analyzing my actions so much? Somewhere in the middle of the walk, I realized I was hungry and needed to eat. So when I got done with my walk, I had a bowl of cereal. I then took a shower and felt a little better. I decided to head down to Noah's Bagels to get myself a bagel and a soda and another wave of depression swept over me.

I realized that I was trading down on my addictions, from sex addiction to eating and caffiene. Realizing this didn't make me feel too much better. I understand that it is good, no great, that I am not tracking down sex to make myself feel better. But I want to be done with all of this shit. Dammit. But I really don't want to do the hard work that needs to be done to get there. I know I have to. But it scares me. I'm afraid of having to name feelings and having to deal with them. I'm afraid of having to be present with my feelings and not act upon them. I've heard people say that it's okay to be sad, or mad, or confused, or troubled, or whatever, and just accept that you feel that way without acting out in any sort of way. I understand that intellectually yet have some trouble putting it into practice. I've got to do some work to make myself feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm not right now. I have to put on appearances for people or just be an asshole and act like I don't care if people like me or not. It's easier for me to be the asshole so I usually go that way. And I honestly do not like that I do that. It bugs the daylights out of me.