...at a coffee shop. It's kinda exciting. A group of individuals from my 12 step program meet on a weekly basis at a local coffee shop to do some journalling and work on their steps. I'm thinking of it as a study group that someone might have had in college. Only I never participated in study groups in college. I pretty much put my head to the grindstone alone.
I know that isolation is a big issue for me. I find it easy to isolate. It really doesn't matter what the setting is. I can isolate at recovery meetings, just sitting there and not sharing. I know that I am supporting others in their recovery by doing this but I also know that I am not participating as fully as I could. I don't want to share because I might look or feel stupid. I don't want to share because someone might discover me for the fraud that I am. I feel very unprepared when I share as I feel that I should have spent more time preparing my thoughts. I feel as though my thoughts are very scattered, unorganized and meaningless.
I like to be more prepared when I talk. I guess my ego wants me to be the smartest guy in the room. I can't accept being just an average guy. I need, no I want more of myself. I want to be a leader. I want to be wise beyond my years. I want people to come to me with questions. I want people to think, no, know that I am smart.
Wow, just listen to my ego coming through. A bit of arrogance too. Sounds like some personality defects to work on in the future. Today though I just want to work on my second and third steps, through the guidance of the Gentle Path of the Twelve Steps, by Patrick Carnes.
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