...is over. Flew down to San Jose last Sunday and spent a few days with my brothers. Played some golf and saw their families. Had a good time though I found myself feeling a little stressed at times. Also, whenever I get together with my one brother, I find myself having a drink or two. I'm not really quite sure why I feel the need to drink then. Probably feel a little resentful over the success he's had in his life versus the lack of success in my life. Yet, I also know he's done a few things he wishes he had not done. Maybe I still feel myself being in competition with him. So everything we do ends up with some playful joking about who is better at whatever we just did. But I always feel like there's some hidden message in the playful joking. I don't know. It's probably just me thinking too much.
Got back to Portland on Wednesday night and almost immediately Martha was yelling at me. She left the parking ticket in the machine at the airport which caused a 15 minute delay in getting through the gate at the exit with the car. She blamed me for not getting the ticket even though she was the individual taking care of paying for the ticket as I had my hands full with three bags of luggage. Then she screamed at me to get off the freeway at the wrong exit, thinking it was our exit, and me asking why we're getting off there. Ten minutes later she apologized for yelling at me about that.
The next day, her nephew and his girlfriend arrived from Seattle to spend Christmas with us. They ended up leaving yesterday morning, bright and early. I found having them around for that time a little stressful. I really don't like to completely change all my routines for a few days. I feel very uncomfortable doing that. Then throw in an enormous amount of indecision about doing anything during that time and it makes it worse. I don't need to control everything but I do feel better when there is a little bit of a plan.
Talked to Martha a little last night about me feeling stressed out during the visit from her nephew. She seemed a little perplexed or bothered that I could feel stressed out though I felt some of his habits were annoying to me. Finally I just said it was me and that I don't like my space violated or inhabited by others. She agreed with that and actually seemed happy with that response from me, letting me know that I there are a lot of things I need to work on.
I just let her say that and did not respond to her. But I continued to think about what she said and found that it disturbed me a little. Why is everything I've done wrong? Yes, I know I can be short fused and misdirect my anger towards others. I realize that about me and am trying to change it. I think I'm being realistic when I say that it will never be completely gone. I'm not trying to give myself an out to act that way but just accepting that I am not perfect.
Occasionally I feel as though she wants me to work on things she wants as opposed to me working on whatever I'm working on at the pace I'm working. And of course she doesn't want me to tell her to work at a different pace. Where I'm going with this I really don't know. Just venting a little.
But all in all I am happy that her nephew and his girlfriend showed up. We had a good time and it was good for my wife that they came down. She wants to build closer relationships with her family and this helps to do it.
Now it's back to my recovery work on a consistent basis. Missed doing a lot of it during the past week. Didn't do much reading, no journalling and only one meeting. So back to my world of recovery and self exploration.
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