...day of recovery. I made it to a Sexoholics Anonymous meeting yesterday. It's also known as SA. As a group they've got a little stricter belief in your inner circle activities. No sex outside of your marriage and no masterbation. They don't believe there should be different rules for everyone or for everyone to decide their own inner circle activities. Also, they believe that lust is at the root of the problem. That the individual is powerless over lust. Not just sexual lust but lust in all in forms.
I've got to say I like the strictness of the inner circle activities, even though I still question whether some masterbation is necessarily a bad thing. I understand and agree that it does desolve some emotions that you are feeling. So in that respect I totally agree that those emotions should be addressed without any sexual interference or a sexual resolve. Yet, it feels so good at that moment of orgasm that it is hard to believe that can be bad. Yes, some euphoric recall or sexual fantasy is used, so again I am lusting for someone outside of my marriage. But damnit, it just feels so good. What if someone was to only masterbate once a month or once every two weeks? Some sort of congratulations gift for being 100% sexually sober the rest of the time. Fuck. I'm starting to have a difficult time even winning this argument with myself.
Something else they did at this meeting that was/is a little slap in the face, is that they have you write down your sobriety date in a notebook with your name next to it. This notebook is also used as a phone list, so you can actually see who has some sobriety of any extended length, if you wish to call them. At first I wanted to object to writing my date down, but I actually like the idea of this reality check-in. Right now my coins sit on my desk. I don't even put them in my pocket or carry them around.
The leader of Friday's meeting did some reading at the start of the meeting and then did his share. He then called on different individuals to share. After about four or five people, he then opened the meeting up to everyone to share if they wished. I liked that he actually called on people to share. It started the meeting off in a positive way with individuals sharing good recovery thoughts and not just having to unload some negative garbage off their chests.
After the meeting, I did some bowling and felt okay with my game. My first game was horrible with a score of 123. Then I bowled a 165 and a 182. That's an average of somewhere around 155 which is good for me. I'm feeling better about my bowling as I'm understanding what I'm doing and not doing. One of the best things I could probably do for my bowling is to take caffiene out of my diet and that would help to relax me some. I also need how to find an emotional, peaceful center inside of me. One without distractions. I'm sure that will come with time.
After bowling I wanted to find the new Super Scrabble game. I headed down to Fred Meyer's and then to Barnes and Noble. Neither place had the game. I want the game so that when Kyle and Terri come down next for Christmas, we can have a fun game to play. When Martha got home from work, I found myself very anxious and still wanting to find the game. I just couldn't get happy inside my own skin. I had to do something, which was to find the game. I asked Martha if she wanted to go to Washington Square and have dinner down there and then we could get the game. She agreed, so down there we headed. We had dinner and found the game. Then came home and play it. It was fun but during the game I was sitting there thinking about how I just had to get this game, so we could play it last night. I had a craving and had to have it fixed immediately. My impulsive, addictive needs are everywhere in my life. It's crazy and at this point in my life I can't control it.
After the game, we sat down and spent five minutes talking to each other without the other person being able to talk back. You could talk about whatever you wanted. It felt good to do so. The five minutes was an enormously long period of time for me. I don't know if Martha set the timer longer but seemed like my time was never going to end. When Martha talked, it seemed as though her time was gone almost immediately. Perhaps this feeling comes from me not doing much talking, so any talking can seem like a long period. And now that I've opened the door to these talks, we will be doing them every night. I've got no idea what I'm going to talk about tonight. But I'm sure I can just ramble on for five minutes.
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