...if I have the power to make these changes. I'm feeling overwhelmed of sorts thinking about the changes I need to make. I want them to happen, quickly rather than slowly. While I understand that is highly unlikely, I am frustrated.
Last night I was verbally short with my wife. So much so that it made her excuse herself to go to the bathroom while we were at a restaurant, to go cry. She was gone for about 10 minutes. When she got back, her eyes were red and shouldn't couldn't talk or wouldn't talk. All she said is that she was now angry with me. When we got to our Thursday night group session, we briefly talked. I apologized for being short with her. I also apologized that the changes were happening as fast as she'd like to happen. I also told her I would probably be short again with her sometime in the future. I really don't want to be, but I do not have the coping skills right now to do differently.
We had a guest couple at the session last night. I wasn't looking forward to it but it turned out to be much better than I thought. I appreciated them saying it wasn't easy or quick or fun. I think it may have given some of the wifes a little more perspective on the reality of this addictive disease that we're dealing with. I don't want to make excuses for my actions. I can only apologize for those in the past and start to make good choices and take good actions in the future. And if I take a step back, then apologize for it and start taking corrective actions.
I appreciated very much one thing that the guy had to say that there were occasional times when he thought his recovery was going well and everything was under control, only to decide that he could slide on his recovery program. He would then end up taking a few steps backwards in his recovery. I feel very much like that right now. I feel like I've made some progress and now am slipping back a little. I'm fighting myself in my recovery process. I'm not working the workbooks I have, justifying to myself that I'm doing something else, even if I'm taking a break. But I'm not working on anything. I'm lying to myself and just zoning out.
I'm angry at myself for taking this laisee faire attitude about my addiction. I need to spend time every day on journalling, working my recovery workbooks, talking with my wife and others, going to meetings. These behaviors of mine will only change with serious action on my part.
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