...NOW. Just finished reading the daily meditation from Answers in the Heart. Was about being present and taking life one day at a time. I don't have to spend now being in the past or being in the future. I can enjoy the present and experience it for what it is. I don't need to continually obsess about what I've done in the past or make grandiose plans for the future. I can accept the past for what it is and move on. I can make plans for the future and move on.
The cynical side of me wishes to debate that thought and tell you why it's not true. But I've decided to try to live my life in a solution based way. I no longer wish to have to show people how smart I am or how they're wrong. I can exist, happily, by just being and accepting others for what they are.
All that being said, my journalling will be mostly about the past, my past actions and thoughts, or about my future. It's what's journalling is about. I have to reflect upon my life so that I can grow. But when I'm done with my journalling for the day, I will then turn my life over to being present in the NOW. I no longer wish to be worrying about wanting to be somewhere else further down the road. I'm where I'm at and I'll get there when I get there. There's no schedule I have to follow all the time. But I have to follow the rule of NOW. BE PRESENT NOW!
Yesterday was a mixed day that ended up being a very good day. I started the day off going across the river and meeting up with Rick and Bob at the coffee shop to do some journalling. I was filled with anxiety as I knew I was going to start on my first step. I wasn't too prepared and had spent some time earlier that morning searching for some information on how to do your fourth step online. I found some stuff but still was very anxious. Everything was saying that I needed a sponser to progress through this step and I don't have one. When I got there, I guess I looked a little lost as Bob offered some help when he arrived. Then when Rick arrived, he offered some help, though he partially said I was doing things wrong. I know his intention was good, yet it still stung a little. I finally decided to head off to Powell's books to try to find a book on how to do the fourth step for Sex Addicts. Got to Powell's and couldn't find a book on the fourth step. Looked for another book, "The Zen of Recovery" and couldn't find it either.
I then headed off to the noon meeting. Really wasn't sure I was going to go when I headed to the bookstore. But not finding a book gave me no reason not to go. So off I headed and found my seat in the back of the room. I feel very comfortable back there. I can hide from people and like that. It's as if I don't exist and I don't have an addiction if I sit back there. I can just sit and listen. So sit and listen is what I did. But I feel this urge to participate and share. Yet when I share I seem to feel stupid as I start to ramble formulating my thoughts outloud. It's a feeling I don't like. I don't feel in control and I want to be in control. All I ended up doing was feeling very stressed sitting in my chair.
After the meeting, Brent called me over and asked how things were going. I told him things were going fine. I then caught myself saying that and realized that he truly wanted to know how things were going. I told him that things weren't all so great. I was feeling stressed from starting work on my fourth step. And feeling stress from the holidays. And just feeling a little unsure of myself. He asked if I had gotten a sponser yet. I told him no but that I was still looking. We then talked for 30+ minutes. We talked about what happened with my last sponser, what I think I need in a sponser, what he would do as a sponser. It was a great talk. Every time I talk to Brent I walk away feeling good. He is very much a solution based person. He understands we have to deal with the past but just venting about it is not the best way. He has asked me a few times, what have I done to make today a better day for myself? I like that. I don't need anyone to help me drag myself further down. I've done a good enough job of that myself. I want to feel uplifted by people and want my life to be around those people. At the end of our conversation, we decided that he would take me on as a sponsee. I was very excited by that decision.
So I've got to call him 2-3 times a week and check in. He's going to have me redo my second and third steps as he has his way of doing them that he wishes to have me work through. It's not that his way is the only way but he just wishes to know what work I've done on those steps. I'm happy with that and know it cannot hurt me with my recovery. Another thing I've got to do is reread the Big Book and the Green Book. As initially asked by my previous sponser Allen, I've got to read them 2 pages at a time. The thought is to read the two pages and spend time reflecting on what I've read and get a deeper understanding of the two pages.
I've also made a commitment to myself to share in meetings for the last three days of this year. I've also committed to myself to find people to reach out to and call. I know I've got Brent 2-3 week. I will start calling Henry 2-3 times a weeks. That's a starting point and I've got to build on it.
I feel good today. Gonna put some shoes on and go exercise a little and then off to therapy and a meeting. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
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