Yesterday....

....was filled with much anxiety, stress and frustration after my last post. My wife had asked me to have lunch with her. This request, as usual, fills me with much stress, anxiety, resentment and frustration that leads to anger. I've got the time to have lunch with her as my days are not filled with much in the way of time constraints. Irregardless, I really don't like going to her work and meeting her for lunch. When I asked her the day before about what she wanted to do for lunch, she hmmmm and haaahhhh, and then said she didn't know. Not really much different than any other time she wants to do lunch. I just wanted to scream, GO WASTE SOMEONE ELSE'S TIME AND ENERGY! I offer to pick up some barbeque sandwiches and bring them to her work and I'd meet her downstairs in the open foyer area inwhich people have lunch at her work. No problem, except for the stress I'm internalizing over this lunch. Go pick up the sandwiches, which ends up taking a few extra minutes. So before I leave the parking lot of the restaurant, I text her on the phone that I'm leaving the restaurant and will see her in a few minutes. She texts back, fine, I'll be downstairs in a few minutes. Great.

Get to her building and go to the foyer area and no wife anywhere. So I text her and ask where she is? She replies she'll be down shortly. FUCK!!! Am I coming to your work to eat by myself or what? I start in on my lunch without her. When she finally shows up, I question her about why she wasn't downstairs as she said she would be. She quietly says something about taking care of a few things in the office. Her talking quietly pisses me off more. She then tells me that some co-workers were sitting nearby. I express to her that I really don't care and to speak up! If she wants to have lunch with me, then she can f'ing talk at a level that I don't have to stress over to hear.

At lunch, she proceeds to tell me about her co-worker thinking we are a cute couple (which irritates me for calling me cute) and would be great on the newleywed game, even though we've been married 13 years. I said something about yeah, it would be funny if her co-worker texted me some questions on my cell phone and match up my answers to hers. My wife says I better be careful of what I ask for as her co-worker might surprise me with some of the questions. Feeling like nothing can faze me, I asked for her co-worker's cell phone # and texted her that my wife needed to talk to her after lunch. I then told my wife "to bring it on". Before I left lunch, I could feel anxiety rising in me. A rush of excitment that is not easily contained.

Upon arriving at my car in the parking lot, my phone rings and it's someone from a massage place (real massage place, not one with happy endings) asking me if I wanted to come in and get a massage. They were offering a discount for clients that hadn't been there in awhile. I thanked them for the call and said I'd think about it. By the time I had driven 3/4 blocks I knew my anxiety level was off the charts. My heart was pounding and a sensual pounding was starting to go on in my body. I really wanted a sexual release. If there were sexual massage parlors in town or if I had a phone # of someone to satisfy me, I probably would have gone there. But I've got no #s on my phone and there are no massage parlors, so that saved me for a while.

Driving the 10 minutes home, I was very, very aware and conscious of what my body was feeling. All I was trying to do was slow down my breathing and think of something positive I could do to relieve the stress and anxiety. Made it home and turned on the tv. It irritated me very much. And now I get the newleywed game texts from my wife's co-worker. AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH. Nothing sexual was texted and no graphic pictures. But it was a little suggestive and was a form of foreplay. Just adding to my anxiety and stress level. What the fuck was I thinking offering to do this with her?

Finally the texting was over and I was feeling like absolute hell. My body was emotionally wound up big time and I really had no idea how to bring it down. Still, I white-knuckled it and did not go online to try to track down a sexual release. I try deep breathing as well just thinking that I needed to take myself down a notch right now and then worry about the next notch after that. Seeking an escape I turned on the tv. Crazy thought there. Just too much going on and I could not concentrate on anything, so I flipped it off. Finally I headed off to Starbucks down the street. Got a cold frappucino and sat inside there for 20 minutes or so. Just wanted to be out in public and calm down some. It worked a little, so that was good. Then I headed over to the store and got something for dinner.

Being that I don't like fixing dinner too much, that increased my anxiety a little, but not too much. When my wife got home, she could tell that I was irritable. I proceeded to get into an argument with her about lunch and not being there when I showed up. I told her I didn't appreciate it. She could not understand what the big deal was. She had stuff to do at work and came down when she was ready for lunch. Rather than explode, I just internalized what I was feeling. Again, I felt my body imploding inside. Fuck, this has got to change.

My wife ended up taking our dog for a walk and I just stewed and festered for the rest of the night. Reflecting on it now, I should have at the least, wrote my thoughts and feelings down then as opposed to waiting. I like the idea of having a discussion with my wife about the day, but I couldn't. And I know my anxiety was more than just her being late for lunch. These lies are killing me. If I don't come clean soon I'll probably explode.