....yesterday. We had a great talk. For the first time in a very long time, I was very open with him about my feelings and emotions and life. We talked about our brother dying in a car crash 30 years ago and how we each dealt with it. He said he always believed it affected me more than him since I was closer to my brother that died. I told him how I reacted and shut down emotionally after his death, not wanting to share any thoughts or feelings with any one. Not knowing how. And no one getting me into therapy to deal with those emotions. He didn't know that I walked home alone after my brother's funeral. He didn't know that I got kicked off the track team in college because I was having trouble dealing with my emotional life. He didn't know that I was talking stress/muscle relaxants to handle the physical responses I was having. Wow. I felt like shit at the time and had no idea how to deal with it. No one that I would turn to because I didn't know how to ask for help.
Then we talked briefly about the passing of our Mom. He told me that he feels guilt and shame over the fact that he was the individual that gave our Mom the pills that put her to sleep permanently. I apologized for not being there with him that night. I apologized to him for not having the emotional strength to be there. I had to close my emotional self off from that situation as much as I could. The finality of it was enormous to me.
And finally we talked for a bit about our relationships with our wifes. To neither of our surprise, we each shared that we have cheated on our wifes. While I may have cheated more than he has, he's had his fair share and was very willing to discuss his feelings about why he did what he did. We each shared about how the cheating was not about sex but about a search for an emotional release. I shared with him that I have not come clean with my wife regarding this, but that I wanted to and was looking advice and thoughts. His wife discover his cheating and confronted him. Which lead to therapy and still some concerns by his wife about his current actions. Websites have been blocked. His online history is checked as well as emails and cell phone usage. He said he did lie to her about the number of times. He could not understand how being completely honest was going to do either of them good.
I understand that thought very much. I believe my wife might be able to "accept" a small number of cheating instances, but if I throw a double digit number or greater out there, it's an emotional blowup which will not have happy results. While I'm open to discussion and thoughts about this, I'm hard pressed to understand how she could grow to accept a huge number. The first 3/4 months after disclosure would be horrible emotionally for me and for her. Maybe after a few months she might want to talk to me. Maybe even do some therapy. But I feel very confident that we would not be living together. Yes, I would able to show her that I am working very hard on this issue and have been. It would also allow me more freedom to work on my issues and emotional development.
In talking with my brother, I also told him I was therapy and trying to deal with all the emotional garbage in my life. I want to simplify my life and learn to deal better with everything. I also told him that I had discussed divorcing my wife with my therapist. He surprised me a little when he thought it might be a good idea. His belief is that everyone should be happy. And if your relationship has been in a bad funk for 7/8 years, there is quite possibly no repair. But he also understood that society puts a ton of pressure on you to stay married and not get divorced. Fffuuuccccckkkkkkkk!!!! It's just crazy emotionally thinking about this. But it also feels good. Augh the paradox of life. I've got a therapy appointment in a few hours, so I will definitely be discussing this chat with my therapist.
No comments:
Post a Comment