...so I made it to another Sexual Addicts Anonymous meeting today. Wow, these meetings leave me completely emotionally wiped out. I feel embarassed and ashamed to be there. I never, ever, thought I'd find myself in a place like that. Having a parent that was an alcoholic made me swear that I'd never be one. Yet the addictive gene was passed down and I chased a different high. Now, it's got a hold on me.
Hearing the different individuals talk about their lives, telling about the things they've done, is just emotionally upheaving. I feel my body tightening up and want to puke. I want to curl up in a fetal position and close up emotionally. At the same time, I'm feeling that I would probably feel a tremendous emotional release if I was to talk and share at these meetings. But sharing would make me one big step closer to being a sex addict. I know I'm fighting by denying that I am one. I know that I've lost control of me, with this issue being much, much bigger than something I can handle by myself. But I'm still refusing to completely admit to it. Part of me definitely wants to, but it's a tough battle. Admiting to this problem in my life will bring me change. I don't know that all of it would be good.
I like/love to look at things in an analytic way, keeping things in a black/white frame of reference. It helps me tremendously with closing myself off to my feelings. When there are shades of gray, events become more difficult emotionally to me. I need to find a place where I can feel something, yet do not have to be emotionally attached to it. Simply said, I need to just accept things as they are and not feel that I've got to have a big emotional attachment to it. This would allow me to accept people into my life and enjoy them for what they are, as opposed to not having anyone in my life.
One constant with most addicts, is that they have a low level of self-esteem. I'm no exception. I'm sick and tired of this and want to change it. I am working on changing it too. With my therapist and with some workbooks. It's a slow process, but I need to change my self-esteem if I'm going to conquer this sex addiction issue. I have to accept myself for who I am. Faults and all. I'm not perfect. I don't need to project myself as being perfect. I need to admit my faults, insecurities, ignorance and anything else that may put me in a "bad light". In the past I've always avoided putting myself in a "bad light", even to the point where I would quit a job, or move to another town, if I was starting to look bad. I could not understand how confront this deep-rooted issue. I still don't know how to. But I know that what I've done in the past has not worked. I've completely self sabotaged by life and I hate myself for that. So I'm going to try some things differently. Sure, everything may not turn out incredibly wonderful, but I just might find out that things will turn out fine.
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