...as it was Monday night, so I headed off to another Monday night SAA meeting. Was a very good meeting. Much of the discussion was around the first step, which is the self realization and admitting to yourself that sexual addiction is beyond your own control. I actually participated last night with a few comments.
Briefly expressed a few words about feeling overwhelmed at times with the process and denying that I have a problem. Also said that I feel blessed to be around individuals willing and able to share their stories. Does not make me feel like I am alone. While I'm able to intellectualize that I've got a problem, throwing my heart and soul over the bar and saying "I am a Sex Addict" is something I cannot verbalize right now. Maybe tomorrow, maybe today, but not last night.
Incredibly, my world didn't end. I didn't blow up or vaporize (as one individual commented about his fears about self realization). Yes it was a little difficult. But it was a step that was needed. I can stay within myself and not share, continuing my intellectualization of all my emotional issues. Or I can start to expand my universe by letting others in. I know intellectually to do that, but emotionally it is very difficult. And it's a form of denial that I have an issue with sexual addiction.
So I've started digging deeper. I read some of the Sexual Addicts Green Book. It's a book about the 12-step program and is referred to constantly in meetings. I picked one up last week and put it away in a drawer. Like many, many things in my life right now, I keep lots of things "hidden". This allowed me to keep my recovery at bay by "easily" forgetting it was there to be read. But last night's meeting felt good and filled me with desire to keep pushing forward.
What I've also come to realize is that I need to be more consistent with this online journal and my ABSOLUTE NEED to continually delve further and further into my feelings and lack of being open, even if only to myself. I cannot just off-handedly brush off something with a brief reason, if there is more to the reason than openingly apparent. I've got to face the good, the bad, the ugly, the reality and all of my emotions. If I can't put a name on it, then state that I can't and delve further later.
I chatted with one of the female participants at last night's meeting and it sounds like we're gonna go to lunch tomorrow. It was my idea. She is new to the SAA program, like me, so I do feel a kindred bond of sorts. Do I have a sexual attraction to her? Somewhat I do as she is beautiful. But one of the things I'm trying to explore is how can I share my life with many people. Not just men, but women too. I know this relationship could potentially be a problem, but I will be upfront with my feelings tomorrow and let her know that I want friendship, not a sexual relationship. I am not looking at this as an opportunity to act out.
As for the rest of the week, I've got a SAA meeting at noon today, along with more reading of the green book and work in my Sexual Addiction workbook. I've got my therapist meeting on Wednesday, followed by lunch with my friend. Thursday is another SAA meeting, green book and sa workbook. I also intend to put posts up each day here on my journal. On Friday, my wife is off, but I'm wanting to go to the SAA meeting at noon as an individual to going to tell his 1st Step Story. These are suppose to be very good meetings to go to. So I've got to come up with some excuse to my wife, to be able to go to this meeting. Saturday and Sunday with be spent relaxing with my wife.
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