I was feeling very anxious and nervous about seeing my wife yesterday for the first time in a month. Waking up in the morning I just wanted to crawl into a fetal position and just melt away in sleep for the rest of the day. Fortunately I had a therapy appointment at 10am and had to lead the noon meeting. That forced me out of bed and to get moving.
Therapy was very good. Was able to sit and talk about what I was feeling. For some reason (divine intervention?) my therapist was asking questions that resonated with me. And if she didn’t ask the right question, her follow-up comments stimulated my thought process.
We talked about how my separation was going and how I was feeling about getting together later in the day to see my wife for the first time in a month. I told her I didn’t really have any expectations but was nervous and that it felt like it was going to be work. We explored the use of the word ‘work’. I used that word because I was not raised being able to comfortably express my feelings. There would be times where my mother was not there for me when I needed her to be. So I was left to deal with things on my own. An example would be calling her at work and asking her how to do something and her telling me that she didn’t have time right then. Or having a firecracker blow up in my hand in San Francisco, having to go to my mom’s workplace crying to get it fixed. And her screaming at me.
While I can understand that intellectually today as she was at work and under pressure there, I have trouble emotionally processing how she wasn’t there for me as a child. I was in need of help and she couldn’t help me. I wasn’t shown positive modeling behaviors as a child. So I grew up behaving any way I wished, consequences be damned.
Later in life, even currently, when I would ask people, co-workers, bosses, for help, if I did not get immediate help from them, I would then revert back to my childhood behavior and act out emotionally, as I believed their lack of immediate help was an act of them saying they didn’t care for me. Again, I can understand intellectually they might have something else going on for themselves right then, yet I would almost immediately switch to a mindset of my childhood, believing that I could do what I believed to be right, since no one wanted to give me direction.
We talked briefly about what similarities my wife has to my mother. I told my therapist that I could think of none. That it was probably some of the opposite behaviors that attracted my wife to me. It was her ‘smothering, caring’ attitude that drew her close to me. I wasn’t given that in my life and desperately wanted it. I still want some of it. Through time though, I could not emotionally handle ‘the smothering and caring’. It was too much emotionally for me to handle. I grew up having to take care of myself emotionally. I didn’t do a good job at it as I would just emotionally shut down and not allow anyone close to me. I felt very comfortable with shutting people out of my life. That way I didn’t have to open myself up to any further emotional hurt.
We also talked a bit about me going back to school for the Alcohol and Drug Counselor program/degree. I told her I was still excited but didn’t like that I had to wait for school to begin. She said I could get a book or two and start doing some reading. I told her that I did have a book and was reading. It’s on PharmaPsychology and is actually quite interesting. She told me that there is something similar to the CSAT certification for individuals without a Master’s degree. It’s an Associate Sex Addiction Therapist. She said that they do basically the same program but get the different certificate because of the post graduate degree. I’ll have to look into that. It’s definitely something that interests me. And I believe that I could help people with their sex addiction issues. Probably more so than with alcohol or drug issues.
Our session wrapped up a few minutes early as I had to head off to set up for the noon meeting. I walked away feeling very good emotionally. Much, much better than when I walked in. She thought we made some good progress, talking about my childhood and mother, etc.. I’m not sure what progress is but I definitely felt better. It was as if I could see some things in my past a little clearer and understand how they are affecting me today.
No comments:
Post a Comment