...and i'm trying to avoid writing down some thoughts. But i've done enough surfing through websites and need to start writing. Can't keep avoiding my thoughts forever.
I had an appointment with my acupuncturist yesterday. I've written before about her. She is a gentle, kind, loving individual. Somehow she makes me want to explore my feelings and thoughts more. I feel a connection with her that I haven't felt with anyone else in a long time. While I can't completely describe everything I feel about her I cannot deny that I, or perhaps my addict, would love to make love with her.
I feel bad for writing those thoughts. I feel bad for having them. I'm married. Ok, I'm separated from my wife, but still married. I'm not supposed to have those kinds of thoughts. I'm suppose to be faithful to my marriage. But my marriage is in dire straights. I'm not trying to justify my thoughts, just trying to understand them.
I know that sex for me is an area where I should tread lightly. I understand that there are a lot of emotional consequences to sex for me. Sex is not just a physical release for me. There's an escape for my emotions during the buildup, or chase, and the physical release. Yet I somehow am trying to figure out how can I get this beautiful, loving person to make love to me. Or is it just sex that I want with her? Somehow I think that she could have sex with me and 'cure' me of my woes. I look at her in her entirety and see a beautiful, whole person that I would love in my life. Someone I could be myself with. Someone that makes me better.
It hurts me to write that. Why do I need someone else to make me better? Why can't I be happy or content with myself? Is my past, or formulative years so messed up that I cannot process what a healthy relationship is? I guess that is a rhetorical question as I obviously know the answer is yes. Do I ask rhetorical questions so I can look good, as if I'm analyzing something already? Or do I ask those questions so I can further avoid addressing them? If I'm being completely honest, I'm sure there is some avoidance on my part. The pain of looking deeply at my past is emotional painful. Someplace that I don't always want to go.
Back to my acupuncturist. There was a point near the end of our time inwhich she explained that she is trying (thru acupuncture) to release the resistance in me. Resistance to my past, my life, my emotions, my existence. It is in hearing someone say this to me that I feel close them. I'm feeling someone trying to make me a better person. I so crave that feeling that I am drawn closer and closer to it. Wondering how can I get it even further into me. I know of no way to get closer to someone than through a sexual experience. It's the deepest, most fulfilling experience one could have.
Or is that my addict speaking? I'm not sure. I know that I have heard of people getting emotionally attached to their therapists while in therapy. My acupuncturist is very much a therapist to me. Not only am I figuralty naked infront of her, I am almost completely, literally naked infront of her as I am stripped down to my underwear, though covered with a sheet.
I am afraid of talking to her about these feelings as I think is would be unfair of me to vocalize these thoughts into our therapist/patient relationship. I know I'm emotionally vulnerable and would not hestitate to let her do anything she wanted to me. If I thought she was coming from a place of pureness, I would be completely open to it. And I've never once felt she was coming from any other place.
Sounds like there's still plenty of thoughts to process. But I want to take a time out and get away from this for a short time today. I will be back.
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