...here in Portland. Not having central air conditioning makes it difficult to just relax and get refreshed while home. Or just about anywhere else around town. I've been walking around a little cranky or slightly irritated the last few days.
I just looked at saw that I hadn't posted any thoughts here for 7 or 8 days. What has happened the last week or so in my life? I want to say not much. My acupunturist would tell me that answer is my attempt to not allow people into my life. It's my way of putting up a defensive shield to getting closer and more intimate with others. I appreciate that she calls me out on that kinda stuff when I do it. It's a habit for me. I'm not happy that I have it as a habit and am trying to break it.
I had breakfast with my wife yesterday morning. I was feeling irritable as I wanted to talk to her a little bit while at the restaurant. We picked out a table that was seemingly quiet. Then a minute or two later some people sat down at a nearby table and starting talking on their phones, doing business. I think one of them realized they might be a little rude when a few turned to look at their table as his phone starting ringing loudly and he started talking. Ok, sorry about that diversion. Back to me wanting to talk to my wife. She could notice the irritation in me and said she noticed it. So what the heck, I started to delve into my conversaion with her.
I told her that I wasn't happy with the results of our weekend get together with her niece and husband at Red Robin. I felt as though we were putting on some sort of show, as a couple, and it did not feel right to me at all. I told her that it felt as though we were lying to her niece, though no verbal lie was told, by being together and looking like a couple. And that I didn't want to do this again if we were not a couple. This action conflicts with me trying to honest in all my actions. I want to be true to myself and not put on a show for someone. My wife started crying when I told her. She said it made her sad that we couldn't do that.
We also talked about me going back to school and her not being excited about it. I told her that it was fine if she wasn't excited but that I could not be around someone that is not excited about changes in my life. She said that my history of not completing things I have started is the reason for her lack of excitement, not me going back to school. I understood what she said and felt and cannot argue about my past. But that is the past. I'm turning a corner or a new page in my life and I will complete things that I start. No, I will not be perfect and complete everything I start but I will definitely make improvements in this area.
We also talked about using positive language instead of just falling back into our old, normal speech thoughts. I gave her the example of telling me not to fall off the roof when I went on it the other day to start getting the moss off of it. I don't want to hear that thought verbalized. Thoughts are things and they have power. I only want positive thoughts around me. She agreed and said she has been spending too much time in a negative place and wants that changed for her too.
After breakfast she ended up taking off for the coast. She's there for a few days and I'm watching the house and dog during that time. I'm there now and it feels a little strange. It's not my place now. None of my things are around except for some clothes and books that I brought over. I know where everything is at but it still feels strange and different.
I've been spending part of the last few days climbing on the roof and trying to power wash the moss off it. It has been a slow process but I am trying to take a Zen-like approach to the work when I get up there. I want to just be in the moment of power washing the moss off and enjoy it for the moment that it is. I've still got another two days or so left. That little change in perspective makes it much easier to do the work.
No comments:
Post a Comment