My mind is racing....

...thinking about school starting next week. Thinking about my decision to start a new career path. Thinking about how I’m going to find some work. Thinking about my recovery program. Thinking about working on my fourth step. Thinking about website possibilities for my new career. Thinking about my relationship with my wife. Thinking about life in my apartment. Yeah, my mind is racing.

It’s not a bad thing that it’s racing. It’s just what it is. I need to recognize and accept that it is doing it, slow down and take the time to reflect upon the reasons why.

At times I definitely feel as though my recovery should be moving along faster. I’m stuck or procrastinating on my fourth step. I’ve been to this fork in the road before and decided then not to take the harder path. I opted out earlier in my life on doing the introspective work of the fourth step. It’s emotionally painful to sit and write down deep personal reflections and thoughts about my past. Yet I know that this work is needed. I am doing some of it when I’m talking with others, just not putting my thoughts down on paper (or computer). I need to set time aside to do this work. I have to discipline myself into making it a habit to set time aside everyday for some personal reflection. Especially if I’m going to help others.

I feel good about my recovery program though at times I feel some doubt or hesitation that it’s moving along fast enough. At the same time I am being able to look at those feelings and understand that it is my addict’s mind wanting to control things and move things along at a quick pace.

I’ve got school starting on Monday. I’m very excited about it. Couldn’t sleep last night as I was tossing and turning thinking about it and ways in which I could do well in school. I’ve got some ideas and need to put down my plan on paper. I know I can do well in class, just need to put in the time studying.

I’m still not working and feeling depressed about it. I’ve got to get my resume updated, changed or ready for different job possibilities. And I’ve got to start applying for jobs. I need to work. I need to feel as though I am contributing to the work world somehow, even if I’m going to school.

Not sure where my relationship with my wife is going. I definitely miss having someone in my life on a daily basis. At the same time, I cannot have a negative influence in that relationship. I’m not saying that right. I know I cannot have this huge negative emotional weight around me. I’ve definitely fucked up and made mistakes, especially with my relationship with my wife. I understand and accept it. Now I’ve got to deal with the consequences and aftermath of those actions. If she’s stagnating and not wanting to talk about her feelings or emotions, I feel emotionally pulled down, unable to move forward. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s been over a year since I disclosed my actions to her. Yes, it hurt her. Yes, she needs time to process her feelings. I think that a year is enough time for me to give her room and space to process feelings and start expressing them to me. I’ve got to move on to something positive in my life. That’s not saying I don’t want to address the past with her because I do. I just cannot sit and continue to wait as though that is a positive thing for me.