In my first post, I stated that I am seeing a therapist. I've seen an occasional therapist during the years. I haven't seen any therapist for too long a period as I've not wanted to completely open myself up emotionally and honestly with a therapist. Honestly can't say how long I will be with this therapist, but I know I want to address issues in my life. I have anger issues, control issues, disassociation issues, emotional issues, anxiety, depression, honesty issues, commitment issues and somehow an issue with sexual addiction.
It doesn't feel good to say that but I need to. I have to first start being honest with myself about what is going on in my life, so I can deal with it. I'm reading some books on sexual addiction and starting a workbook. My desire is to put much of the workbook results into my journal here. This will enable me to own what I am saying and not pass it off as just a passing thought.
Many, many people believe that sexual addiction is a bunch of bs. While I can't make the whole argument right now that it's not, I know for me that the sex is meaningless. It's the emotional release that is the drug. You feel good for awhile and then you get pissed off at yourself; depressed with what you did; find yourself filled with shame. Then something happens triggers a need for some sort of sexual release and you find yourself searching for it.
I'm not sure exactly what the trigger is for me that starts this whole fucked up circle. But I want it to stop. I know this is not good for me. Any damn way I want to look at it, I can see it's not good. I consider myself a pretty smart person, but somehow I have no control over this. I'm just a click away from some web site that fulfills that fucked up need for me. But putting these thoughts down is a positive way for me to deal with it. So I'm gonna sign off now, take a shower and then get started on my workbook.
After writing this post I found myself tremendously excited about having written it. I was filled with a lot of nervous anxiety and found myself wanting to start back up on that crazy circle. Tracking down an escort for some immediate "pleasure" was weighing in my mind. But I fought the temptation. Some might say that I could have just masterbated and released that energy. Self satisfaction would give an immediate release but is still part of the problem. If I'm not sharing myself sexually with my wife because I've satisfied all my sexual needs already, I really haven't done anything positive. Instead I ended heading down to Starbucks and start working on the workbook.
ReplyDeleteDamn, this is a fucked up problem. Just have to go day by day, hour by hour.