Secrets

I've kept so much of my life secret from that my wife and many others, that it makes it difficult to do some things, such as writing posts in this blog, reading the different books I need to read, etc.. I definitely do not wish to share this material with my wife at this time. I've got a difficult time seeing how it would be something positive, for her or for me. There's no support system in place for me at this time, if I was to reveal these secrets to her.

When I started telling lies, whether they were outright lies, or lies of omission, I had no problem thinking I could keep everything straight and simple. As time, years, rolled by, the lies are too many, so there's difficulty in being yourself. No longer can I do what I want to do when I want. I've got to create reasons for doing some things. So I continue with the crazy circle of lies. At some point I've got to come clean with some things so that I can quit the lying and continue on the new path I've decided to take.

An example of how much of my life I've kept secret is a story I told to one of my wife's co-workers the other night. There was nothing personal about the story, just a story about a trip I made during my college years and waking up in Kansas only to realize how flat that state is.

I'd like to say that "for some reason" I don't share much of my life. But if I wish to move forward I can't allow myself to say that. I have to find the reason. I know that I am ashamed of and embarassed by much of my young years. Didn't feel loved. Had (and still have) issues of abandonment. Very poor. Made fun of because I stuttered. Was a chubby sized kid.

Thinking further about the example above, I didn't share this story because it would have put me in a bad light, as I would have had to share that I made the trip because of a job selling educational books door to door. I completely failed at that job. Or at the very least I feel that way. My mom couldn't help me get back to California, so I ended up having to call my Dad and getting him to send me money so that I could take a bus from Pittsburgh, PA to Los Angeles and stay with him. I had no money and no plan B in case of failure. Hope springs eternal in youth.