Starting the Workbook

So I've started on Patrick Carnes' workbook, "Facing The Shadow". Chapter 1 starts with "ADDICTION IS AN ILLNESS OF ESCAPE. It's goal is to obliterate, medicate, or ignore reality. It is an alternative to letting oneself feel hurt, betrayal, worry and -- most painful of all -- loneliness." Those sentences very much describe how I feel and how I've felt most of my life.



To start on the path to address those issues, the workbook starts with looking at Problems, Secrets, and Excuses. Problems that I came up with, in no particular order are:

• My sexual exploits-chasing down prostitutes thru the internet. I've surfed the net extensively looking at naked women/porn sites and tracking down escorts. There's been an enormous amount of emotional enery burnt sup doing this. I've constantly had to watch out for trouble while visiting escorts as well as covering up tracks on my phone and computer.


• I've spent quite a bit of money ($50,000 would be a fair guess) and tons of time surfing the net/chasing escorts. This is not a daily experience but probably 1 or 2 days a week, for a few hours at a time, over the course of 7/8 years.


• I've lied to my wife extensively. Both outright and 'lies of omission'.


• I have to get myself tested for sexual diseases. I have no idea if I have any diseases.


• My self esteem/self worth is extremely low. I have few good feelings about myself. I cannot completely understand how and why I'm on this downward track.


• I've definitely have issues dealing with my emotions. I've very moody and have no trouble with having negative emotional outbursts on short notice, over very minor issues (car cutting me off). I've very short and direct with people.


• Also have definite issues with commitment. I don't want to commit to anyone or anything completely, not even myself. I can't keep a job, keep a friend and don't even want to build relationships.


• I've very impulsive. While I can weigh pros and cons quickly, I'm not satisfied until I take some sort of action or verbally respond. I don't need every new gadget right away.


• I'm also prone to starting projects/books/etc. and not thoroughly following through to completion.

And I've definitely got issues of control. I want to control everything is my life as opposed to accepting that I cannot control everything.

• I've also got an issue of my Dad's death giving me "Blood Money", thru a lawsuit, while he never gave any of us kids much during his life.

Secrets are next to be addressed. The following secrets have been kept from my wife, again in no particular order:

• That I'm spending more time job searching than I am.


• Surfing the net for porn and prostitutes.


• Had sex with numerous prostitutes.


• Keeping my finances private, thus allowing me the ability to spend $ on prostitutes or anything else I want without questions.


• Lie to wife about what I do during the day, either outright or through lie of ommission.


• Numerous lies of ommissions. I never wish to talk negative about myself, so I'll exclude details in numerous conversations with my wife. I'm always trying to spin things in a positive way for me.

Let me finish with my list of excuses that I've used to justified my behavior to myself. Again, in no particular order:

• Telling myself that I can change or control my behaviors.


• People don't understand me.


• I'm an intense guy.


• I'm a smart guy. Nothing I can't handle.


• Telling others that they're wrong and I'm right. Trying to show them I'm superior.


• Telling myself that there is nothing wrong this behavior. No one is getting hurt by my action.

I'd like to say that is a complete list of problems, secrets and excuses that I have to deal with. But I know there's probably a bunch more to deal with and I've only started my lists. So I'm trying to be excited about taking the first initial steps to address these issues in my life and try to turn it around into a positive life.