.... last night. We went out to dinner at Chevy's where we started to have a conversation about our relationship and future. The conversation continued on after dinner when we got back home. I think it was healthy to have a conversation though it did feel somewhat strange. Historically we don't talk much about our relationship.
Of course we talked about her trusting me and not feeling 100% trust in me. She still feels that if I emotionally shut myself off to her that I might have acted out. I can't find a way to tell her that if I masterbate I am disappointed in myself and find myself emotionally shutting down to a degree. I try to be gentle with myself but know that I have 'numbed' myself by a sexual act. The whole idea of sobriety to an addictive person is to not numb themselves out. Sure, some forms of numbing out are softer or kinder than other forms, but I still did something to numb myself out.
Maybe this sounds like semantics, but it's a very real feeling. Even masterbation without the use of pornography is still a form of sexual acting out. If I use some sexual recall of past sexual events, I am sexually acting out. I have an orgasm and feel a release of tension, stress and anxiety. I don't get a free pass mentally because I masterbated versus having sex with a prostitute. I had an orgasm and got the release. As much as I don't want to punish myself for this act, mentally and emotionally I still go through some degree of the addictive cycle in which I regret what I did, feel bad about it, don't like myself because I did it and look for another release to feel better. If I did spend any time looking at any type of pornography these feelings are 50 times worse.
I write this because my wife is right in saying that I do emotionally close off from her now and then. I can't argue with that. I can't say to her, or believe that I can't say to her that I acted out, even if it's masterbation. I believe her mind would move to all sorts of thoughts about what I did or wanted to do or will do. I'm trying to figure out where boundaries are in this part of our conversation and so far have decided it's a 100% black and white issue. I don't want to share any information about any kind of sexually acting out that I have done.
She said last night that she wants to continue to try to make things work between us. Of course she doesn't know how long it will take for the trust issue to get worked out. She still feels 'her skin crawl' when she thinks about me having sex with prostitutes. But she likes it when I hold her hand or kiss her. Confusing, just fucking confusing.
She read part of a book, 'Mending A Shattered Heart', to me last night in which it stated that every time I, the addict, brings up this trust issue and how long it will take to resolve it, is forcing the relationship to take a step back. I was, and still am, a little perplexed that I can't question that without hurting the relationship.
In the end, nothing was really resolved. I think I am still lost and confused in what I am thinking. The easiest decision for me seems to be to just move on by myself. I'm not sure that is the right decision. But I'm not sure that isn't the right decision either. Do I need to go through years of a broken relationship with my wife not knowing when, or even if, it will be whole again?
I could continue to work on myself, even if I wasn't in this relationship. I could start to have new relationships. Perhaps they would be difficult. But many people after a long term relationship talk about dating being difficult. So I would be no different in that respect. I don't know.
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