....thinking about my day yesterday. I saw my therapist and we talked about my Formal Disclosure Letter to my wife. I've written my first draft and we went over it. She had some questions and then some suggestions. I appreciated the time and thoughts of my therapist. In writing the letter I found myself getting pissed off with myself. I was angry that I had deeply violated my own moral compass. I clearly understand that this just didn't happen. I was left reflecting about how I got into such a complete moral abyss. And how do I get out of it? Is me staying with Martha part of the solution or am I creating another roadblock by staying in the marriage?
After therapy I went to my 12 step meeting and heard someone share their first step. First steps are difficult for me to hear as I hear so much pain, anguish, hurt, shame and so many other emotions that I can't sort out. I do feel strengthened by knowing someone else shares many of the same difficulties that I have. Still, it leaves me with shame and a return to the hell I was in and still reeling from.
After bowling I came home and ate dinner. Then I sat down and chatted with Martha for awhile. She really wasn't in a talkative mood but we talked any way. She asked me how therapy was and I said it was a great session. We then talked a little about the process of the Formal Disclosure and her brother's divorce. I then asked her what she thought about our relationship and divorce. She quickly replied that she didn't want to get a divorce right now. She said she was still processing things in her mind. I asked her if she had thought about having sex with me. She said she was not ready for that at all. She said that she was still not trusting of me and didn't want to make herself vulnerable to me again and then have her heart broken again. She didn't have any thoughts about how long it would take to work through that trust issue but we hadn't had sex for two years so why does it matter? The tone of her voice was slightly defensive and her body language was very guarded with her arms crossed tightly across her chest. It spoke to me as saying she really didn't want to go there emotionally. As if she would rather stay in a safe place free of these emotional issues.
We talked some more and I asked her to name a few things I needed to work on. She didn't want to say anything. "I've got my own garbage to clean up. You clean up yours." I then said that if we were not having any of these issues would not a spouse make suggestions to another spouse about negative things that need to be "changed" in their spouse. She then came up with five things for me. Stop snoring, quit being judgmental (though she said I wasn't being judgmental with her but had expressed being that way), quit procrasting on work around the house (hanging pictures that have been hidden in her closet for years and painting my bathroom), quit being snappy and to quit my aggressive driving.
I can't say that I really have any issues with changing those habits. Yet I found it a little amusing that she really didn't want to get into any deep, emotional issues about me. I felt as though she again didn't want to address any potentially troubling relationship issues that we have. It was as though she wanted to just find five things that I couldn't argue about.
I'm left wondering where our relationship is going. I know I've been working on myself for a little under a year, while she's been working on her issues for six months. Maybe I'm being too aggressive in my thinking? Maybe her thoughts of slowing working on things are right? I don't know. I just know that my issues are way deeper than my relationship with her. And when I throw in the dealing with the emotional aftermath of having had sex with numerous prostitutes while being married can only throw some very deep cuts into rebuilding the relationship, while I still want to change myself.
Hi, I found your site while searching the phrase "positive sexual focus" in hopes of finding a copy of the worksheet I have not yet completed before I meet with my therapist this afternoon. It sounds like we are in a similar situation and facing our issues in a similar way. I think you are incredibly brave for choosing to do this so publicly. You have my support, brother.
ReplyDeleteLike yours, my wife also has her stuff to deal with while I'm dealing with mine. We alternately have supportive and angry conversations, great sharing and a history of silently enduring each other. It is far from ideal and I have a lot to make up to her, but we are making progress and she is forgiving of me as long as I take my recovery seriously.
Does your wife have someone to talk to? Counselor, spouse of someone else in your 12-step group, COSA? Several partners of men in my SAA group meet every couple of weeks to talk, share and support one another. It is a little nervewracking for us recovering addicts to know that our spouses are together venting about us, but it is also very helpful for the women we love.
I wish you well in your recovery.