..."A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps" as I want to start working on my Fourth Step. Currently my sponser is in a physical rehabilation center getting his elbow and arm worked on. As he is physically handicapped, he is unable to get around by himself right now. Probably be another week or two, maybe more, before he's released. I'm pretty sure working the fourth step through this book is not what he is going to recommend for my fourth step, but I'm feeling rebelous today and want to do what I want to do.
The first thing that Patrick Carnes has you looking at is the ways in which you Avoided taking Personal Responsibility for my behavior.
1-First would definitely be denial. I would tell myself that no one is getting hurt by me having sex with a prostitute. She was getting paid. I had enough money to spend on it and it wasn't putting me or my wife in the poor house. I would even go further with this denial rationalizing the illegality of prostitution by saying we were both willing partners. I wouldn't ask myself if the girl was a drug addict and only using prostitution to pay for her habit. I couldn't allow that thought in my mind.
2-I would blame others for my inability to advance myself further in my dreams and asperations. Instead of taking responsibility for doing the work to make my dreams come true, I would rather use my flawed logic and blame a girlfriend, a wife, a boss, whomever, for putting up supposed roadblocks that I would then internally build upon and make bigger and insurmountable for myself.
3-If my spouse thought something was going on, such as surfing porn sites or chasing down other women, I would do whatever I could to make her think she was crazy. I would erase the history on the computer. I set up multiple email accounts. I'd erase the history on my phone. I paid cash for everything. I never wanted to pay with a debit or credit card, knowing that would leave a trace of evidence of where I had been.
4-I would absolutely use misdirected anger on a consistent basis to keep a safe distance between myself and my wife. If I got angry about anything and everything I thought she would start to not ask questions and just settle for whatever answer I gave.
5-I had no problem lying to my wife or others about my activities. I had to lie to keep myself from being exposed as a fraudulent person, someone that is cheating on his wife with prostitutes. Outright lying was often used. Lies of ommission were even more common as I would'nt even answer questions or just use a shrug of the shoulders or a roll of the eyes as an answer. I would tell myself that I didn't lie, that my wife just didn't ask the right question.
6- I would also lie to myself about what cost there was to me with my sexual acting out. I might feel some pain after acting out but I still thought that I could find someone to make me feel good inside. I somehow thought that some prostitute would be able to magically take me to some deep spiritual place that would solve my internal restlessness and anxiety. As my addiction grew deeper and deeper I knew my desired outcome was not going to happen with prostitutes. And I still reached out to these women having to get a fix and an adrenline rush.
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