It's been awhile since....

...I last posted any thoughts. That doesn't make me feel too good. It means I am ignoring change in my life. I've been feeling quite a bit depressed lately. I've been talking to my therapist about reading a formal accountability letter to my wife. In doing so, we've been talking about whether or not I should include that I had prostitutes over to our house and actually had sex with a few in our bed. I know that is a disclosure that will not go over good with my wife. My therapist has asked why do I care if I don't really care about the relationship. My response is that I want to still look as good as I can. I still want to control what I can control. I'd rather be the one to say that I don't want the marriage to continue versus Martha telling me that she's ready for it to end. That way I can say that I ended the marriage instead of saying that someone rejected me.

While an actual date has not been set up for the formal disclosure it appears that we'll do on either the 11th or 18th of March. I will press for the 11th so that I can get it done and I/we can start to move on. Whether that means moving on in our relationship or ending it, I'm not sure. But the disclosure will signify my last day of lying to Martha. It hurts me and keeps me stagnated. I've got to move on with the new me by being truthful all the time. I want to say it's difficult to be truthful but I've found that it's not as hard as I thought it would. It's definitely more relaxing in the long run as I dont' have to worry about whether or not I've covered my tracks or if I had already said something else that was different than what I am about to say. I can just be me, flaws and all.

Recovery wise, I feel that I've reach a little plateau as I'm not spending much time on working on myself. There's still a lot I can do. A lot of self-exploration and reflection about my past. I've definitely got self-esteem issues that need to be worked on. I know I've progressed quite a bit over the last year. My sexual acting out is not the issue it was a year ago. Yet it is definitely an issue to continue working on daily. It will not just go away silently. There were and are reasons that I acted out sexually. I've got to delve deeper and deeper into those issues and try to get them resolved as best I can. Will my sexual addiction ever go away? I don't know but I know that if don't continue working on my recovery my sexual acting out can easily come back. I don't want it to come back.