....feeling depressed, irritated and unable to motivate myself. I'm finding myself in a state of immobility as I wait to do my formal disclosure to my wife. It's been scheduled to happen in two weeks. I talked to my wife the other night briefly about it and she said that she would like me to be find a motel room for the weekend after doing the disclosure. I said fine and that I would come back to the house on Monday. She said, "we'll see".
Her response irritated me as I felt the tone of our relationship changing. I'm sensing that she is finding her inner strength and voice and is accepting what happened but not wanting me to be in her life. I think her strength will probably only get stronger after she hears my disclosure. Part of me is not happy about that as I would consider the marriage a failure yet part of me does desire to be separated from my wife and moving on with my life, alone.
The whole idea of commitment has troubled me through most of my life. I remember when I put my wedding ring on after being married that I felt very suffocated. Now I potentially get to start over again and it is scary, depressing, energizing, frustrating. Or I get to start over in my relationship with my wife. I find that future daunting. It has been very good for me to get more and more open with my wife, my therapist and fellow 12 step members. It's given me a good foundation to start a new life on. But to continue on with my marriage will mean lots of emotional work, not only on my part but on Martha's part too. I know that I want to do the work to improve myself yet not so sure about doing everything needed to repair our relationship.
Reflecting on those last sentences makes me wonder if I'm thinking clearly or just wanting to run. I'd like to think that I am thinking clearly. Not everything has to seen through my addiction. I can feel something that is true to me and it not mean something else. It can mean that I truly want to end my marriage and it does not mean I'm running from a problem. When I hear other married guys talk about their marriages and working through their addiction issues with their wifes, I hear constantly say how much they love their wife and that they couldn't go on without her. I've never, ever, felt that way about Martha. Maybe I felt that way about Dianne at some point, that was a long time ago.
So I've got some more thinking and pondering and work to do. But right now I'm gonna go out for a walk and get some exercise.
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