....yesterday. While I thought it was a good session, later in the day I slightly acted out, as I found myself surfing through different online ads looking at pictures and actually made a few calls to try to hook up with someone. Thankfully, no one answered my calls. My higher power was watching out for me. I ended up jerking myself off in the late afternoon.
But the whole episode has left me wondering about much. Did the session actually pushed me emotionally over the edge? Or was going 3+ weeks without any sexual release (because of my sexual celibacy contract) drive me over the edge? Combination of both? And I found it interesting that I really didn't feel too much excitement while surfing online looking at the different ads. I actually found myself wondering if I really wanted to proceed any further by calling a girl. I had thoughts of what that would mean emotionally if I hooked up with one and had sex. I had thoughts of what the aftermath would possibly mean. I thought about erasing any online trail of my activity. But I felt detached from any of that and made a few calls. I don't leave messages if no one answers but I was still scared and afraid that one of them might call later that night when my wife was home. So I turned my phone off.
In the end, I just jerked myself off. That felt wonderful. I've felt very relaxed and anxiety free since. So I've wondered if the sexual celibacy contract is the right thing for me right now. I understand that I need to learn how to deal with my emotions without using sex. I really do. But I cannot allow myself to get to the point where I'm surfing ads online and calling prostitutes. All that would have taken is one girl to answer and be available and I would have been there.
So did my therapy session drive me over the edge? Not sure. We talked about my first few sexual relationships. But the one we spent the most time on was one I had with a former boss of mine, that was 10 years older than me. At the time, I really only cared about the sex but with some deeper reflection with my therapist, I'm thinking that maybe Kathy took a little advantage of me. I have a difficult time writing that last sentence as I feel I have to take some responsiblity for the relationship since I was 23 and just wanted sex. She was available and wanted sex. So we fed off of each other. Most of our fun seemed to revolve around going to bars and then have sex. Reflecting on it now, I believe she was an alcoholic and having just lost her son in a custody battle with her husband, she just wanted to party and have a sex toy around.
It was an emotional up and down relationship that lasted a few years. I ended up quitting my job and move to another town without a job or a place to stay for either of us. I was young and stupid. And wanted to get laid. I quit on myself at that time with that decision, even though others tried to talk me out of it. Looking back with the distance of today, I know it was a mistake. I'm ashamed that I made it. And I'm angry at myself for making it and the path it has lead me down.
As I'm typing this entry, I can feel the emotion welling up inside of me. I'm not going to go act out, but I can feel some anxiety coming over me. How can I forgive myself for this betrayal of myself?
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