It's 10 days later...

...and I've come clean about my slip to my therapist, SAA group and my wife. I felt ashamed to come clean to my SAA group because I had to admit I had failed on my attempt at sobriety. But I also had to admit to myself that my sobriety was going to be day to day and that I have to constantly be working my program to stay sexually sober. But as difficult as it was to get a recommitment coin at my SAA meeting it was far more difficult telling my wife. I felt that I had let her down enormously and could not tell her that it would never happen again. I don't want it to happen again but I do not know if that is the truth. I only know that I will work my program.

Also, last week I had a sip of some beer at a restaurant. My wife was with me, as well as her nephew and his girlfriend. Again, I felt bad for tasting the beer, but I felt a little powerless at the time. I'm not trying to make excuses for the drinking just trying to figure out why I did what I did. I believe that these episodes of acting out were actually an attempt by my addict to self-sabotage myself. I feel good about my recovery so far and working my program but believe there is more I can do. But I am afraid at the same time what that extra work and self-discovery will lead to. More acting out? Leaving my marriage? I don't know and part of me is very fearful. But I also know that I must go into this self-discovery journey. If I don't then nothing will change for me and life will return to where it was. And I do not want to go there again. I can't go there again.

I'm 39 days into my 40-Day Focus Recovery workbook. I've enjoyed working this book. It has made me think quite a bit and I definitely can go back and continue to contemplate more about the different meditations and queries. I also had hoped to be done with my first step by now. While the 40-Day Focus workbook has given me more to think about, I've got no excuse other than I have not done the work on it. I have to recommit to doing the work. And I've got to continue working on my Facing the Shadow workbook. Some of the work there leads into my 90 day Focus workbook. So I've got a busy week of internal searching to do. I've also must remember to reach out to fellow members of SAA for support during this difficult time. I need their support and will find it very, very good for me.