...that is the question pondered on Day 40 of my 40-Day Focus workbook. It's asking me to reflect today upon "What is it like to be with me?". Wow. That's a lot to ask and reflect upon. But I'll start with "it hasn't been easy". I've been closed off emotionally for most of my life. To myself and to others. I haven't wanted to deal with the possibility of opening myself up to being vulnerble. I haven't wanted to spend time building and nurturing a relationship. I just wanted it to be about me.
Yet here I am now, at 50, and it's all about me. It's all about what I need to do to bring others into my life and make my life easier on me. It's about me not lying to others. It's about me sharing my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. Unconditionally. It's about me taking time to truly listen to others. Not just the words, but the emotions behind the words.
So I've got to look back to move forward. I haven't shared emotionally in my relationships. I might say I feel an emotion but I never really can express it with my body, the tone of my voice or my actions. Instead I would deliver a detached voicing of an emotional thought, believing that was enough. And then I would want to move on. I wouldn't want to explore further. I wouldn't want someone to ask me to further explain my feelings and emotions. It hurt to share. It still hurts to share. Writing those sentences hurt. It almost makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and hide.
I feel that I wasn't really allowed to express my emotions when I was younger. Or I never learned how. Mom and Dad were divorced. Mom worked at menial jobs and didn't have a ton of time with us. She didn't share much emotionally with us. But we always knew she was upset and mad at our Dad. Then tell us not to feel that way towards him. But with no emotional or financial support from him, it was difficult not to feel angry towards him. So I grew up knowing how to express anger.
As I grew older, I couldn't express other emotions or thoughts of intimacy needs. So everything was contained inside, locking myself away from others. Occasionally I would give them a view, but then very shortly be back into shutting down my emotional self. I could not allow anyone to get too close to me emotionally.
In college I learned that I could do good if I put my nose to the grindstone and study and studied some more. But when I graduated and made it into the real work world, grades and knowledge didn't matter so much. It became a much more social interactive environment of sharing thoughts, emotions and feelings. You had to relate to people and make them feel comfortable. You had to have social graces and a monitor between your mouth and your brain (to make sure you didn't say unthoughtful/uncaring words). You had to build friendships and relationships.
Though I was hurting emotionally from the breakup with Dianne, I was progressing on the right track. I ended up getting depressed and moved back to California wishing to be closer to my family. Yet within a year I ended up in my relationship with Kathy that opened up the door to my addictive self. Everything we did revolved around alcohol. We'd head off to a bar, have some drinks, and then head back home and have sex. As time went on, the sex got more and more exciting. And the relationship got more and more emotionally charged. I had made the decision to quit my job, without another one lined up, and move to another town with her. This led to me getting isolated again in my relationship world. It was only her and I. She demanded all my spare time and I allowed it. I hated it. I hated myself for allowing it. I didn't know what to do. I was unable to make any choice for myself. Our relationship finally went south when she called the police and tried to boot me out of the house. That opened my eyes and soon the relationship ended. But the door to my addictive world and it's behaviors was wide open.
From that point on, I felt like I didn't care too much about others. The vast majority of my decisions were made thinking of what would be most beneficial to me right then. If there was not a short term benefit to me, I had to be see a good payoff down the road, to make the right choice. Then I'd fuck that up somehow and take a few steps back in my life. I'd constantly go through this repetitive cycle of changing living arrangements, changing relationships, changing jobs, always looking for something better on the other side of the fence.
I'd find I could face any of those new circumstances with a positive attitude. But within a few months I would find myself wondering again what I had done. I start thinking about what I could change. All the while I'm never sharing any of these those or emotional feelings with anyone. I've got no friends to share with. Maybe a relationship with a girl. But most of me is really only concerned with having some more sex with her. I didn't want to open up emotionally until it was very apparent that the relationship was going to end. Somehow I'd find the strength then. But in the back of my mind, I was thinking of fucking her again. Of course that was only a short term solution and I'd be on to my next relationship.
I couldn't spend much time with myself alone. I didn't want to have to be with all of my emotions and thoughts and not have someone to sexually escape with or drink with. I had to escape from me. I'd look at females at work and start to fantasize about them. I'd try to figure out how I could hook up with them. And I had some luck with that as most of my relationships started as a work relationship.
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