...beat me this week. On Wednesday afternoon I slipped in to viewing some online porn. The addict in me was able to overlook this activity. Yesterday, I got ahold of a prostitute online and went and visited her. She ended up jerking me off. We did not intercourse or oral sex. But I had sexual activity with someone outside of my marriage. That is in my inner circle and cannot be allowed.
When I went to the website on Friday to start tracking down someone, I felt the excitement in my chest. I felt it, knew what it was and kept on going. I remember thinking that I'm feeling this sensation, knowing it's not good, and not caring. I kept looking. Made a phone call to one girl and left my name and number. I thought to myself that I could just jerk myself off, but no, I wanted someone else to jerk me off (or maybe more). I wasn't quit sure what I wanted to do with a girl at that time, because I didn't want to have to take another HIV and STD test. Hell, if some girl wants to suck my cock and have it explode in her mouth, why the fuck am I going to argue. But I did not know if I would follow through with what those concerns meant.
At one point I wondered how long I had been surfing for a prostitute. I figure it was about an hour and a half. I ended up reaching one and setting up an appointment for 45 minutes later. So I went to the bathroom to relieve myself (as stress causing me to have to go to the bathroom). Not surprisingly, I had some seminal discharge from the excitement of surfing online. I just thought "this is fucked up". But I went to the bathroom, grabbed my car keys and headed out the door. Driving down the freeway, I drove pass the exit to one of my SAA meeting locations. I remember thinking I could get off here and head to a meeting, but then rationalize that the meeting was almost half over and I didn't want to tell anyone what I was thinking. Driving further down the freeway, I remember thinking it was just crazy to do this, but that was quickly replaced with "the exit is not that further down the highway". Finally I got off the freeway and drove to the neighborhood I had to go to. I called the prostitute to get her address (as they typically don't share them over the phone). I then drove the three blocks to her house.
I had been there before. Just a working class neighborhood and home. The last time I was there was nothing memorable. Nothing bad, but I knew I was not going to find some super exciting time. Before getting out of the car I thought, "do you really want to do this?". Yet I continued to the door. I knocked on the door. She answered with a dog at her side. Again I mentally questioned myself but walked through the door and into the bedroom. After the obligatory "Are you Law Enforcement?" question, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my money and laid it on the dresser. We each then got naked and she proceeded to jerk me off.
I then made some small talk as I got dressed. As I proceeded out the door and back to my car, I remember thinking how odd this must look to neighbors that someone pulled up in a car, didn't park in front of the house, and only visits for a few minutes. Looks like a drug deal going down. Or some sexual pervert getting serviced by a prostitute. I got in my car and drove off.
On the drive home, I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. I felt ashamed of what I had done. But I also wanted to be gentle with myself. Through my readings on the subject, I understood that I was more than likely to have a relapse. It will probably be more than once. For the rest of the day I was very irritated. I noticed it very much. My wife even commented about it at dinner. I told her I was hungry, which was true, but not the complete truth about what I was feeling.
I woke up this morning trying to talk myself out of going to my Saturday SAA meeting. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't even want to be around anyone. Somehow though, I managed to go. I was debating if I wanted to take a One Day-Recommitment chip. I kept going back and forth if I had slipped or if I had a relapse. I decided not to take a chip and that I would explore this whole episode further, when I got home. I've decided that I will take a chip on Monday at my meeting.
I was suppose to get my 90 day chip Monday. I don't know if this played into my acting out or not. Something along the line of my addict not allowing me to be successful.
I am fucking powerless over this wicked, insane problem. And I need help because I can't do it by myself. Sure, people have told me that but I wanted to believe otherwise. Somehow I wanted to believe that I was different even though I read enough material to intellectually know that I'm not. There's nothing special about me. Perhaps I understand more about what is going on, but that is not stopping me from acting out. So, fuck me!
In looking at why I acted out, I see that I've isolated myself from others in the program. I also quit reading my SAA and Big Blue Book on a daily basis. And then I've gone back to watching tv and listening to the radio again.
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