....out on the east side of town. Am hoping to meet a friend from SAA, give him some keys and chat a little. Not sure if it’s going to happen or not, but I figured I’d bring my computer and start on another post for my online journal.
About a week ago I lessened my dosage on my anti-depressant medicine. While it was taking the edge off of my crappy side, it also was taking away my ability to feel anything. I noticed this when my acupuncture would ask me to tell her something good that has happened in the past week. Something that made me feel good. I could not come up with anything. Everything in my life has been numbed out due to these drugs.
I’m feeling stress in my life. Wow, big whoop dee doo! What’s new. I feel that I am coming to the understanding that I do need to have some honest talks with my wife. I can’t just sit behind some fake feelings of love. I’m hurting. I’m hiding. I’m not being completely honest with myself. I’m not acting on my behalf. I’m not listening to what my gut and heart says to me.
I haven’t talked to my sponser in awhile. Well, I’ve talked to him briefly, but have not called him in almost a month. I know it means something. Probably something to do with control, vulnerability, following directions? Probably some of all of that. I see a lot of myself in him and find myself wanting to be a little combative when I talk to him. I know he has an enormous amount of experience and wisdom he could give me, yet deep inside myself, I’m not feeling the connection that I want with my sponser. I’m looking for something more touchy, feely. More eastern based thoughts than the western based beliefs that I’ve followed my whole life.
I’m coming to the conclusion that I’ve got to explore the feeling side of me a lot more. I can and have spent too much time with my rational self. I can spend all day thinking, rationalizing things and stay in the same place. Or I can accept and figure out my path or journey trying a different path.
My wife and I are two weeks into Couples Counseling. I’m not too excited about our therapist. She’s very slow and deliberate in her thought process. Much too slow for me. She showed us a methodology of communication she’d like us to use. Yet it really was nothing new to my wife or myself. We’ve been showed this process before at different work communication sessions we’ve had to attend. I’m unable to tell my wife that I don’t care for the therapist or the process. Fuck. Am I trying to control everything? I want to play along but I’m feeling tired of the ‘same old, same old’. I know it’s a journey, a process. I know it won’t be a linear path, from A to B, to C, to D. And so on down the path.
I’m excited that I’m posting some more thoughts to my journal. I believe a great deal of this desire to write something is due to reducing my anti-depression medicine. It makes me a little edgier. It makes me want to work on myself. I don’t feel so numbed out and desireless of movement.
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