... yesterday. It was actually a good appointment. I was still worked up over the SAA retreat from two weekends ago and what it was doing with me. I expressed how I had gone to an SAA Intergroup meeting last weekend and ended up emotionally venting at the people there. There weren't many and they are pretty much the individuals that have decided to make Portland SAA groups 'better'. They had put on the retreat and have done many other positive things for the local groups.
But in my beautiful mind, I knew there was more that could be done. So when I was given the opportunity I freely expressed my views. Perfection, not progress! That was the message I wanted to be sure they heard. Later on Saturday, I realized the error of my ways and should not be screaming or preaching to the choir. So I made amends over the course of last week to all of them (except for one member that I do not have a phone # for).
In expressing all of this to my therapist, I could feel that I was getting worked up emotionally. I expressed that to my therapist, who also noticed it. So we talked about it for awhile. Where was it coming from? What was I wanting from the group? Why is there anger in your emotions? Why was I unhappy with what the group had done? Had this scenario played out before in my life? How could I handle it differently?
This emotionally verbal outlash has happened many times before in my life. I've repeatedly done this in work situations. I think I have a better idea or way and will express it. Then I will continue to express it, even when someone has accepted what I have said. I will not easily accept their thanks, for expressing my thoughts, even when they are sincere. Instead I somehow have to say "thanks but I really think .......". All the time, there is some hint of anger, aggravation, or irritation in my body language and tone of voice, even if I really don't want there to be. After this scenario plays out a few times at work, over time, people don't want to work with me. They know I'm going to call them out on their flaws, as I somehow seek perfection.
I haven't been a positive team member at work, instead prefering to work alone. This way I can be responsible for the work done and know it's done in a fashion that is representative of how I would like it done. If I let it be done to a group's standard, it will be lower. Or so I believe. Somehow, I don't believe that someone else could actually make my work better. That would mean I'm not the smartest person in the room or at the very least, that I've got some flaws. Wow. Crazy to think that because you don't know everything, means you've got flaws. That's some good positive thinking going on there!
My therapist asked me if there were times in my life where perhaps I failed or didn't do as good as expected and did not get angry. Participating in sports quickly came to mind. All of my individual sports are filled with momentary failures yet they are only attributable to me. I can't fault anyone else. I know what I did to prepare. I know if my overall performance was good. I know if my competitor competed out of his mind to beat me. So I really don't get too worked up in negative emotions while participating in sports. I accept what happened and move on. I appreciate what the other competitors did and complement them.
In high school team sports, we were very successful, so never really an opportunity to experience any failures as a team. Again, we lost as a team, we knew we got beat by a superior team on that day. It's hard to get angry when you lose a track meet to the State Champions. But when I went to college it was different. All of a sudden, the team was not successful. I found this frustrating. While I enjoyed my teammates, I was still frustrated and wanted to do better. Our team was average, which did not excite me. I wanted our team to be better. It made me question whether I had chosen the right school to go to. I wanted to do go and be successful. I didn't know how to accept failure. My coach would tell me that things were getting better and to relax. But those comments did not sit well with me. I wanted the team better immediately. Since I couldn't control that, I would get frustrated and aggrevated.
Getting back to the present, I told my therapist that I was thinking of joining the Intergroup and participating for a year. She thinks this is a good idea. Her first suggestion is to go to the next meeting and try not to say anything. No suggestions, comments or input. Seems a little crazy but she wants me to get in touch with how I feel just having to sit and participate at a minimal level. I told her I thought this would be difficult for me since I would feel the need to voice my thoughts. I said I would have to write some notes or scripts for myself to follow. And then I would have to stick to my notes. But I would try to do the next meeting with a very minimal amount of input. My goal would be to vote and have a short, one or two sentence, positive thought about the subject being discussed.
My therapist wants me to think through what my goals and desires are for being in the Intergroup. Is it my ego being fed? Do I want more control? Am I avoiding something? Do I truly want to participate in the group at the group's desired emotional level? I'm not quite sure yet what is my true motivation but I can see that I could participate and learn quite a bit about how to sit quietly and just accept what is happening. Live and Let Go.
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