...since I've been here to post anything. So let me play some catchup. I've started my 4th step and it is a little, if not a lot aggravating. I've made a list of people, things, objects that I resent. I now get to write about them. It's not too much fun and just leaves irritation hanging in the air around me. Everything else seems a little more aggravating.
Last weekend, Portland SAA put on a one day 'retreat' for it's fellowship. There were guest speakers, a 12 step meeting and breakout sessions to go to. Sounded like a great day to be there. What a day it was. Within the first 30 minutes I saw a female SAA member with a low cut blouse showing off a bit of cleavage. This lead to a few discussions during the course of the day. By the time closing speaker was to speak, her address moved from Spiritual Healing to how she dealt with this female's clothing. In the process of her closing talk she proceeded to talk about the 12 step program isn't working and we are responsible to change and help correct the problems with it.
In talking to my sponser a day later, apparently this woman's dress and the closing speaker had affected quite a few people. During the course of the week, there were a few shares about the Saturday retreat with some people still processing what happened. I would have to include myself in this group. I felt a pissed off that the supposed leaders of the retreat didn't or wouldn't or couldn't address this issue of dress with the gal. And no one really argue with the closing speaker about her talk. It just pissed me off that no one seemed to stand up for the 12 step program that we were all there supporting.
I went to my Tuesday night meeting and before the meeting even started one fellow stood up and apologized for being a liar to his fellow SAA members. He reached into his pocket and pulled out different coins that he had taken before as sobriety coins, putting them on the table and proclaiming that he had been acting out the whole time. But that he felt obligated to take coins to impress his sponser and other members. He then said he was leaving and going to go act out. Aaaaauuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
I decided that wasn't going to happen while I was in that meeting. So I proceeded to ask him to stay for the meeting and if he wanted to do something after the meeting he could. Another member told him he was welcome to stay and would appreciate it too if he did. So he stayed and even shared at the end of the meeting. Said that his wife was leaving him and he really didn't care about anything except for going and acting out. Another member and me took him to a local cafe after the meeting and talked for another hour with him. It was obvious we were talking to his addict and logical arguments were not working. Finally we ended up leaving for the night. I asked him to call me the next day. He did at 4:30 or so and we talked for about a minute. He hasn't called me back. And I haven't reached out to him. It hurts to see a fellow member go like that. I'm really hoping that he is there at this week's Tuesday meeting.
At the same meeting, one member shared that he now has 6 years of recovery under his belt and he's finally learning how to have a normal relationship with a woman and not at them as sexual objects. Sounds good to me. Until he shared the part about how he's meeting these women at strip clubs. Apparently they are stripping for him, just talking with him. Unfuckingbelievable! I'm absolutely amazed by the lengths to which we as addicts, will lie to ourselves. I was pissed at this guy for this share and for him believing that it was a good share.
Then yesterday, I went to the Portland SAA Intergroup meeting at 1:00. While I had hoped to go with the best of intentions, I had been getting myself worked up emotionally over the previous few days. So my emotional state was elevated when I went into the meeting. Then when I was told that I didn't have a vote, I was more irritated. When I found out that the meeting was going to have to adjourn early or move locations because our meeting space was already spoken for, my blood pressure was elevated even more. Unbelievable! Can't someone schedule a meeting space for this group. They fucked up the retreat. Now they're fucking up this meeting. Damn they need some help. And I'm the one that can tell them this! Yes Kevin, open mouth and insert foot with much passion. I did get a release from this 10 minutes of verbal lashing out. Later that day and today it has become crystal clear to me that this is a definite pattern in my life. I can't control everything. When other's attempt to control things and things don't go the way I believe they should, I'm happy to let them know what I think.
I'm a fucking addict! Today I just feel like a fucking addict. Not an addict, a fucking addict! I'm pissed at myself for my behavior. I'm not being kind or gentle with myself over my actions. I just feel like crawling up in a ball and crying. How many times do I have to do this crap? I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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